A Tale of Grace

posted by Kamala on Mar 29

Dearest Friends and Family,

I have to tell you.  Anni is having more and more trouble breathing.  If she goes for a short walk, she labors hard to get air, to the point where she sweats.  The last few days are seeing her sweat easily after small movements.  Nights are torturous,  she moans in pain most of the night.  Perhaps it is the growths on her spine that cause her excruciating constant pain in her back.  I can’t go into all of it.  I can only say, truthfully, that our Anni’s body is sinking fast under the burden of cancer.  You would feel very sad if you saw her now, from March 1st,  it is a huge difference.

We need your help.  The fact is, the doctors at NIH have told us frankly that they do not know what kind of cancer it is.  They thought it was RCC –renal clear cell sarcoma or carcinoma, and hoped they had a medical direction to point us in for her treatment. But after more detailed tests  the Doctors say now that it is not that.  This means that there is no advanced therapy for what she has.  They don’t know quite where yet to point us for treatment.  They are still conducting further refined tests on the tissues taken from her, and at this time, Anni has no doctor for beginning treatments with, as the diagnosis is still unclear.  Yet, the burden of cancer upon her body which in February was seen to be last stage, advanced metastasized cancer, is still there, still growing, and we are approaching April.  Our time is precious.  The medical world has not been able to help us yet.

Anni has been put on several different types of pain killers to reduce her discomfort.  In essence, these have also become another burden for her as she fights the nausea, constipation, mood alterations and the stupor that they induce in her.  Today, we were all again at NIH,  as she could no longer tolerate the pain medicines. She has been sent home with another round of different drugs, now with morphine to ‘manage’ the pain.

As her mother, I can see it.  We don’t have much time.  Its in her eyes, in the struggle she is making to do very small things.  I feel strongly we have to make a big push right now, through our hearts, to God Alone,  to heal and save her in her body.  I don’t know how to say it.  I don’t know if I have the right to ask you all, but I must.  Please help our dearest Anni, so sweet and dear to all of us!  Please join us in a fast of penance, of tapas,  to God. Please join us on Monday, April 2, 2007, your time, wherever you are.  Let us appeal to Her all compassionate Grace which can create universes, bring rains, heal hearts and open flowers, to transform the karma or fate that Anni is suffering from!  Let us cry to Our Lord with aching and selfless hearts, to free our Anni from all disease,  and to free the human race from the diseases of the heart!

t will be the fourth day from now,  her pain and difficulty in breathing, moving, etc. is so significant now, that I don’t know what her situation will be in 4 days.  In one week, the decline has been very dramatic.  But, we all need to take the time between now and then to prepare our minds and hearts for this sincere effort.

Wherever you are, if you can join with others, do so, for Our Lord Amma and many others, as Lord Jesus, Gandhiji, Abdul Baha to name only a few I know, have all said that group effort and prayer has power.  If you cannot,  mentally offer your efforts to the stream of appeal created from all efforts.

It is said that the universe abhors a vacuum.   I know that if we all make this appeal, to God, to Truth, to our Lord, our Maker, I know that there must be a response.  We are very aware that so many of you are making sincere efforts and prayers every day on behalf of Anni,  but we need to make a break through of some sort…I don’t know what it is, but, for some reason,  I feel and see it so…I know that if we can do this,  make a greater sacrifice,  a door has to open for her.  And when this door opens for Anni, it will open for thousands if not millions.  Somehow, I see and feel it so.

I remember about 5 years ago, Shanti, an Indian lady from Australia was at the ashram.  She showed me a photo of a picture of Amma that had completely changed when an old style photograph was taken of it. This was right before digital became the norm. This is the story as I understand it:  Hearing all the news of war and strife going on across the planet, Shanti felt drawn to offer some small penances or tapas, to God, to help change the energy on the earth.  She took a vow, and for 40 days, got up every day early, and by 6:00 was seated for a heartfelt archana.  She slept on the floor near her bed, instead of on the bed, praying that this small token of self imposed hardship, would help to atone for the ignorant acts of mankind, in some small way.  She sacrificed some aspect of her diet as well, I can’t remember what.  I may have part of this wrong,  I can’t recall verbatim, only the impression that I gained.  I was touched by her selfless effort, and the small and do-able things that she had decided to offer to God, to help transform the earth.  Her efforts were sweet and beautiful.

What was amazing, was God’s response. On the last day of the fast,  her daughter, relatives and neighbor were sitting on a couch in the living room.  On the bookshelf adjacent to the couch was a photo of Amma – one familiar to most of us, wherein Amma is sitting in a basket chair in Sweden, with a parrot perched overhead on top the chair.  When the family photo was developed,  Lo! The Amma photo had changed.  Shanti had Amma’s photo alone enlarged.  What was there, curls the toes with heart’s delight. Amma’s spotless sari was hanging outside the frame at the bottom of the picture.  Instead of Ammas precious form,  there was a huge Shiva Lingam, swathed in her soft sari.  There were some insignias on the form which I didn’t understand, but have seen before. The parrot was not there.

When Shanti took the photo and story to Amma, She said it was due to Shanti’s sincere tapas or penance for world peace that God had decided to appear in this way, to encourage her efforts, to let her know that she was heard.

Beloved friends, let us join together, in a day of Tapas and prayer, for Anni and for the heart of the human race to be freed of all disease!  On April second,  let us offer the tapas of a fast.  Do so in whatever way appeals to your heart and conscience.  If you have a health problems, do not endanger yourself in anyway,  make a smaller sacrifice, maybe one meal only, maybe no rice or bread, do whatever appeals sincerely to your heart and reason.  And let us pray, together, 5 times throughout the day for Anni and the heart of the human race to be free from all disease.  Upon rising, mid morning, before lunch, mid afternoon, and evening.

For those of us here with Anni, we will fast,  (I will take weak teas and water) for 36 hours.  We will spend the day in silence, except for Anni’s service, and prayer.  I know that we can change fate, we can change ourselves, our hearts and this earth, to make a new life here, for all of us.  We need your help!
-Kamala

posted by Kamala on Mar 27

Dearest Friends and family,

We have not written in a few days. At present, the medical world from NIH has sent out Anni’s body fluids and tissues slides to labs in New Jersey and California to see if the disease qualifies for treatment under new medical protocols (studies) which are the ‘cutting edge’ of cancer treatment. It might take a few days to come back, and then it will go to different places where they are doing these studies. Uncle Jeff looked at all the protocols going on in the country, and said Anni may fit only into one – the one in DC at the Washington Childrens’ Cancer Hospital, and even then, it is not sure. Link and I looked at the studies, and nearly passed out cold from the descriptions of the aggressive treatment….we decided, it is better if others do the hard core research on all that, and we will just try to be here for Anni in every way possible. I have a profound admiration for anyone that survives cancer treatment.
By Her Grace, we spoke with Her yesterday morning in the wee hours. Twice She asked if it was TB, and said at another point that “The people who do research will say many things,Amma dioes not know if it is that(correct).” Translated by Link and Anni…so we are trying to get in touch with a young lady whom we know had brain TB that Anni had contact with two years ago. The Lord also said something about ‘maanasa shakti’ which we couldn’t quite catch. But, I know we need mental strength, self confidence, confidence in Her in us.

It was a hard night for the little one. Link didn’t get to bed until 4AM working on the computer. Stupored over with sleep, I heard Anni moaning throughout the hours of brahma-muhurta – 3AM onwards…We got up several times to give the pain med, but the pain med doesn’t take it all away….I suspect that the lesion activity is particularly painful. In the morning , she requested our massage on her aching back and legs. We did that for several hours then she fell asleep. So today, our little one has eaten very little.

Uncle Jeff hasn’t been able to come by the house for over a week. He has had a terrible viral fever and is afraid that Anni may get infected. In addition, he hasawierd rash all over his body which makes it hard to wear clothing. While our beloved Arun and Pappu were here, they helped with everything. Now they are gone. When Jeff was here last Tuesday during Dr. Joe’s first visit, he wore a mask over his mouth and nose, as he thought he could be contagious to Anni. He sat on the other side of the living room. We talk to him several times during the day, but haven’t seen him since. I think being conscious that one has a disease that could be communicable and taking active steps to stop the spread of it is something that we should educate our children into: covering mouths, responsible handling of sputum, and bodily fluids, etc. Those who contract serious communicable diseases should be educated as to their responsibility to others….somehow, the concept of social responsibility is not yet part of medical prescriptions…to seek to safeguard the health of others by restricting ourselves when sick should be viewed as positive social behavior….

Heather,( a lovely young lady who helps encourage my mother to walk, and often eats breakfast and/or lunch with her) during the week took me out to go shopping for groceries before her afternoon classes. I had a list of things for Anni. When I got to where I remembered the store was in 2003 it was all closed up. there was a huge cyclone fence with barbed wire on top, It looked militaristic and unfriendly. There were stone holes through some of the big windows. There wasaCVS , a nationwide pharmeceutical style store. In there, innundated with choices and fine print on the bath soap bottles, I tried to find those little clicker heat packs that are used for Amma , as Anni has so many little places that are paining terribly. Heather was very helpful. At the end, I met an Indian looking employee,namedAnju and asked her where she was from. “Mumbai” came the answer. I told her I was from Amma’s ashram, did she know of Amma,? “My parents are her staunch devotees! They were just there in a place called Nerul to see Her on the 17th!” So, that was nice. The Lord was letting me know that although my heart was aching that my Anni could not be choosing out the little things with me, that She is with me….
After getting the bath things, we went to a “subways” as just a week ago Anni enjoyed at least 6″ of those sandwiches. I hoped that getting one would encourage her to eat., Its another huge chain store that makes foot long sandwiches known as “heros’ or ‘grinders’ or ‘submarines’ The choices were many. In end, as I checked out, I noticed that the cashier, cum manager had an interesting accent. So, I literally heard myself asking, Where are you from? He said, “Mauritius.” It ends up he lives right down the road from our Mauritius Ashram. I asked him if heknewourBrahmachari Veerappan who had been in the ashram there for 13 years, he said he thought so. He was so surprised to learn that Amma is coming there in a few short days.! Isn’t that sweet? She is very gracious to us, who ache in heart, body and mind, about being away from Her, about everything.

So, hopefully, some of these products – lemony and cucumber scents, will make Anni feel refreshed in some way after bath…..

Link had a nightmare that Anni refused to eat. He had a hard time yesterday, as she did not eat much…he is very tensed about Anni’s condition. In the last week, it looks and feels like she has gone down a lot. The only medication she has right now is for pain, nausea, and for subsequent constipation due to medication….

Dr. Joe called yesterday and gave wonderful encouragement to Anni, talking about getting on with life, not wating for a diagnosis, looking into med school and grants here, accepting and recognizing the chronicness of the situation, and deciding to live her life more in the future. Using the volition or will power. Its all very true and wonderful, and part of the allimportantMaanasa Shakti. Its just very hard when you can’t sleep, eat, or move normally due to pain….but she is trying.

Our dear Debbie came by. She instinctively knows what to get Anni. This time, it is tomatoes – grape tomatoes, they are called, smaller than cherry tomatoes. Babystyleyogurts . Little cartons of orange juice. Bread sticks…we do not get to see her much but she is thinking always about Anni, and is always bringing little things to perk her appetite up….It was Debbie that got us all on the Lord’sKanji again…Anni takes about 24 OZ of Kanji a day since then….Link had the rare opportunity to sit near the Lord a little while ago – maybe in Feb. and She was talking about the health benefitsofKanji. Scientifically, Kanji vellum – water – has been found to be a food source that immediately supplies the blood cells, revitalizing them….

Anni walked down to the river nearby again today, choosing a closer spot. Her back pain and lung pain made the slow walk a real exertion, and she could hardly walk back. Just that little walk made her sweat…Later in the evening, on top the bed, she suddenly said, ‘It just got a little better, Icansuddently breathe a little more, it is Her grace”…..

We need your ardent prayers, more than ever! Anandi wrote us that when she asked Amma about Anni, Amma said, “PRAY!” Its all we have. Our hearts, our love and the greatest debt of our life is to all of you, who selflessly pray for beloved Anni. I know it is all of you, whose loving and unselfish prayers God”s Grace will answer.OmAmriteshwaryai Namah, Namah, Namaha.

posted by Kamala on Mar 23

I look in Anni’s beautiful eyes, and see a deep suffering and pain. She does not say much, but now requests her full dose of pain meds, and is acutely aware when the next dose is due. Seeing our concern, she smiles ever…although when alone with us she sometimes cries with the agony of bearing the pain… sometimes at nights we press her legs, arms, hot water bottle seems to help sometimes on the back…the headaches never go away, she is never free from terrible pain all over her body….she likes to be with people, with her brother, with those who come to love her, to know I am near…we can do nothing to help her really….

What tapas O lord, will you accept from me to make her whole? What can I do, O Lord? Do say… For me, my mantra is Anni, my Anni is the form of the Lord. You, O Lord, in Her…Anni is your name…what sacrifice can I make that you will hear and be pleased with? Isn’t there someway a mother’s heart can change anything? When will you awaken an d begin your dance to health in the body of precious Anni?
In the early afternoon, Sw. Br. Dayamrita came over with the coordinator for the DC area, a mother named Padmini…Sw. looked very serious….it was a short visit, but we were happy he took the time to come. We had thought to go to his program in DC, it would have been straining for Anni, and it is a youth retreat, not an evening progam. Padmini knows some devotees who are Dr.’s at the children’s hosp. one is a urologist…

The Doctors at NIH had their meeting. They are hopeful that Anni’s medical condition will qualify for a protocol study being done at the Children’s Hospital….they are making contacts and getting records and tissues…fortunately they don’t need anymore tissues. A world renown pathologist, Dr. Morino has done (and is not finished yet with) , many many tests on the samples from Anni’s body and body fluids. All they can say at this time, is while they are quite sure that it is cancer, and there is still some slight doubts, there are reactions in some tests that are like Renal Clear Cell Sarcoma, they are not sure what kind. Nonetheless, they feel, that making the most informed decision possible, they will probably seek to treat it as though it is RCC…they don’t yet know what to make of the abnormalities in the brain…suggested we come back regularly for scans…

O Lord, the Doctors don’t know what they are doing, although it is their best. Will you stand by? Anni has only wanted you, her whole life. She has never swerved even one iota from her precious babyhood…O lord, don’t you want her sweetest services? O Lord, you said, You are also Her Mother….how can you bear her sufferings so silently? Tell me what I can do!

Arun came back home to us today, it was Ajay who got in touch with Sw. Dayamrita…Ajay made delicious appams with potato stew for us all, Anni learned th e technique…Ajay is teaching himself all kinds of Indian cooking…necessity is the mother of invention…and all of us have a king called tongue…or at least an able minister… Debbie, our Chinese friend made Kanji, which is very popular in China as well, and gave us also printed evidence about what Amma had said in satsang a few weeks ago of the beneficial effects of Kanji….We are all lucky we get to taste Kanji….

Today her chest hurts more, back hurts more, head hurts more. O Lord of my Anni, I cannot say much more.
- Kamala