A Tale of Grace

posted by Kamala on May 28

Dearest Friends and Family,
We are here at San Ramon.  Our concerns for Annika’s ability to make it here after 9 more days in Maryland were extreme, and we felt that it was better for us to come immediatly rather than wait as her condition continued to deteriorate there.  Amma is our ONLY hope…

The story of how Anni was given a wheelchair, how we met a new friend to help us get to the airport in Maryland with our 15 bags, how they didn’t ask us a question on the airline about Anni’s condition, how Rishi and my dear lifelong friend Sarah met us at the airport, is all part of Her neverending tale of Grace with us.

By God’s Great Grace, through Rishikesh, we were able to find a brand new, clean, small 2 bedroom apartment.  How he found it was a miraculous story.  Through the generosity and grace of many of our ashram brothers and sisters, Rishi has made it very homey.  One kind soul gave her Air bed which has an automatic inflate/deflate feature.  Anni is much more comfortable on the bed than she has been.  The apartment is 4000 dollars cheaper than the hotel would have been.

The trip was very difficult for Anni, and we are just grateful that God’s Grace has enabled us to come now.

At this time we dont have any internet access, so it is hard to write more.

Amma lands on the American Continent in 4 days, and from today, we will see Her in 9 days.

Please keep up all of your efforts for Anni, and know that we are deeply touched and grateful for every positive thought or action ofered to God for her, as we wait for her audience with Our Lord.
Loving you,
-Kamala

posted by Kamala on May 23

Dearest Friends and Family,

The Lord is coming to San Ramon in 9 days, we gotta be there. I feel certain Anni’s life will be saved if we can only make it there. In 2003, when Amma had told us to come to the US to get the children’s highschool diplomas, it was fall going into winter. The days were grey and cool, then cold. It was the first time we were connecting back to blood relatives in over 10 years. At that time, there was no support of any kind for our going to see our Only Own in San Ramon, but, by God’s grace, we went anyhow. We got a hotel room about 6 miles from the ashram, and were able to go to all the programs, except the retreat, since we didn’t have enough money.

This time, we have all the support to go. By Grace, a lovely hotel suite has been arranged, flight tickets made, a friend who is really family is going to loan us her car, our Gerson Person - Shirley Tice, leaving here this Friday, will meet us there, June 2 with her juicer, and meet the Amma she saw in her room. Shirley said to me, “I wonder what Amma will say to me, I mean, its not the first time we are meeting!” We have tix to LA and a room in the hotel where Amma will be staying. Its a dream come almost true. The only aching burning question in my mind, is….can Anni hold out till then and make the trip? Its 6 hours by air from here….Her heart shows little sign of letting up the pounding….she is so weak somedays that she cannot speak out loud. Walking to the bathroom is her maximum activity, as she lies, most of the day, fighting pain, headache, nausea, heart problems, etc. WE GOTTA GO! AMMA IS OUR ONLY HOPE FOR ANNI! O LORD! BY YOUR GRACE MAKE IT POSIBLE FOR US TO BE WITH YOU IN SAN RAMON!
Recently, in just the last few days, Anni has developed all these plumbing pipe problems. When she coughs now, it sound like she is vomiting. There are gurgles of all sorts that she never used to make. Her chest, after 5 months of difficulty breathing, has become enlarged in a wierd way - looking barrel-ish….Her spine, after so much pain and inactivity is in the shape of a ‘C’. These days, when she drinks, it often goes down the wrong pipe, which leads to bouts of long, intense coughing, which because she is so weak, does not clear out her throat fast…. then, the coughing turns into vomiting, and all the food, put in to help, comes out….

WE GOTTA MAKE IT TO SAN RAMON! WE GOTTA GET TO AMMA! O dear Lord, please make it possible for us to be with You there! This is our only mantra. Everything we know hangs on this - to get to our only real doctor, while Anni still can.

Each day here is a battle against odds that seem so against us. Things are much worse than when Rishi and Anand were here. Anni is so weak now, her body so tired from the pounding heart…all the little zillion complications….the only thing that can save her, is HER. We have always known this, but here we are. Out here.

This time, when we came here, it was still winter.. The hospital days were cold and grey. Now spring is edging into summer and, still we are in a terrible winter. Do you not have need, or use, or wish, O Beautiful One, for this little buttercup to be by Your Side? Anni is a lily of the valley in the wild, wild garden of my Lord…..

I have to say something about archanas. For those of you who know my attendance record in the ashram, and worry for my soul….We are very grateful that archanas are being done with such enthusiasm for Anni. Definitely, we can see that they affect her, and it is positive in everyway. The names of God are powerful. Yet, we do not do archanas around a bedside unless that person is very sick, isn’t it? When one sees a person surrounded by people chanting archana softely, there is a sense of the person leaving, isn’t it? A few days ago, Anni refused to eat. It is a problem with advanced illnesses. The body wants to shut down, and medical anorexia develops. If it continues, the patient soon dies from the complications of malnutrition. It was during this time, as Anni was leading up to a no food day, by eating less and less each day, that she began wanting to hear archana. That particular day, she also wanted the drapes closed, so the light in the room was darker….

I tried to cooperate, but, finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I said, you are not here to slowly die! You are here to Live! Live! And I opened up all the curtains, the windows, and sent for funny movies…..Link and I began a heavy campaign which we are still continuing to encourage her to EAT. For this we are grateful for the Gerson Therapy’s emphasis on food. Anni has to drink 13 /8oz (250ml) of fresh squeezed juices a day, plus 3 meals….plus snacks….although she picks like a bird - ever her eating style, encouraged by her finding so many insect abdomens and wings in the kanji curries - despite the body’s desire to shut down, curl up and die, the requirements of the Gerson Therapy and its high nutrition, are, so far, by the Grace of God Alone, keeping her going….nothing can save her but Amma though, for there are too many things going wrong….

We had to work on the medical directives and medical power of attorney forms with Anni. Its hard work, and we still have to get them notorized. Even so, it is unlikely that in an emergency situation, Anni’s wishes regarding her body will be recognized….Perhaps she did not really understand that what is happening here is a terminal illness….then there is a status called ‘end stage condition’ which we are not at yet….but hearing about it all, I think has made her more determined to fight. Its hard. Listening to yourself, vs. listening to the illness in yourself…..which can seem like yourself…..nasty, pernicious, deceitful things are degenerative illnesses!

Please, Please, Please send her all your prayers for locomotion and strengh to make it to the presence of Amma!

Amma is our only refuge, for our lives, for Anni!

Loving you All,

Kamala Aunty  PS  I’ll ask Link to post a photo of Rishi and Anand and Pankaj who visited last week..

posted by Kamala on May 23

Dearest Friends and Family,

So much keeps happening. I want to write many a little thought or experience, but, do not have the time. We cannot take our eyes, minds, or hands away from Anni for long, nor do we want to. For those of us who have had the opportunity to be with Anni and serve her in small ways, there is a burning eagerness to do so. Many times, when helping her in the personal things, like enemas, showers, dressings, etc. I often think of Lakshmi who lives with Amma, and feel I am being given an understanding of what it must be like to serve the Lord in those small ways, when She is in so much pain. I have sat in some programs in a position far above the stage where I could have an almost birds-eye view of the Lord giving darshan. It was a painful viewing. There was not one minute that went by where our Amma was not pounded, bonked, her thighs used as a support for tremendously overweight people to raise themselves up from her embrace, or her flesh cluched hard on her back, sides, or Her cheeks dug by people intending to give her a love pat, in that desperately short moment of time… never mind the hair pulls, the whacks to her face and lips by heads….the sharp bangle edges…the line of human prisperation gummying up her lips and gown….Seeing that, I always wished She could have healing silence after Darshans, that after all that, ALL watching Her return to Her room would realize how aching and sore her physical form must be! She gives Herself in all those touches, but at what tremendous cost! It seems not many are aware however, and even on the way back to Her room She is clutched and pounded by devotees.

In the face of Anni’s great and intense pain, this must be like serving Amma in those times. At least, we feel it so. In the face of such tremendous self sacrifice, there is no room for any ego display from us. We only want her peace, her relief, her ease in any way. No matter what she says or does. Her irritation with our out of tune-ness with her, by which we cause her more ignorant pains - So must it be to serve the Lord after her heavy Darshans….This whole thing - Anni’s health and suffering, feels like a self sacrifice on her part, to me. She has made the decision to bear with all the pain as conscioiusly as possible. Despite the intensity of it all, she is so pure, sweet and good in all her actions and intentions. Because her mind is based in simplicity and purity, people often oerlook her voice, which in retrospect is wise and to the point and we are the most guilty ot this. Daily, I see how through this situation, our Lord is giving me opportunities to sharpen my shraddha and attunement - which is really about letting go of what I think, and opening fully to what is happening….what is happening, in the present, is always God, but I often don’t see it, intejecting the small self….our children are always our most profound teachers.
Our Anni is in so much pain, it burns all of us. there is nothing we can do to relieve its constancy. Its wearing on her is scaring us horribly…we understand why people want to see their near and dear loved ones out of pain, in anyway possible…it is unbearable to see the exhausting effects on her form….the weakness, sleeplessness, etc. She still refuses to take the narcotics that could break the mind -body connection and give her ‘relief”. She says, its not relief, they make her head out of sorts and so sick….

At the same time, Anni seems to be deeply attuned to all the efforts going on to help her. Recently, some people in CT, held a spontaneous satsang for Anni. During this time, outwardy unknowing of it, she fell asleep here. Nowadays, she reuests us to chant the arhana, and gets very irritated with our lack of proper pronunciation, postures, speeds, etc. In all this, in everything from and with her, we are seeing and hearing Amma. And how can we let this precious one suffer more? O Lord! Shed Thy Mercy! Are You not compassionate? How is it You are bearing with her suffering?

All the Doctors, including the Gerson practioner in CA, have said that only God’s Grace, through a miracle can save her. Please ask your Divine Beloved, whoever or whatever it is, to shower MERCY on Anni, so she can sleep, so She can heal, and serve this world selflessly at Amma’s blessed feet. O Lord, this world has given up on Anni, have You? please shower your Mercy and Healing upon her! We have nothing and no one but You…You are the food, You are the fire….Brahmhar panam….

Pranaam of Soul to All of You, please keep up your prayers for Anni! Loving you, Kamala Aunty