A Tale of Grace

Dearest Friends and Family,
We are here at San Ramon.  Our concerns for Annika’s ability to make it here after 9 more days in Maryland were extreme, and we felt that it was better for us to come immediatly rather than wait as her condition continued to deteriorate there.  Amma is our ONLY hope…

The story of how Anni was given a wheelchair, how we met a new friend to help us get to the airport in Maryland with our 15 bags, how they didn’t ask us a question on the airline about Anni’s condition, how Rishi and my dear lifelong friend Sarah met us at the airport, is all part of Her neverending tale of Grace with us.

By God’s Great Grace, through Rishikesh, we were able to find a brand new, clean, small 2 bedroom apartment.  How he found it was a miraculous story.  Through the generosity and grace of many of our ashram brothers and sisters, Rishi has made it very homey.  One kind soul gave her Air bed which has an automatic inflate/deflate feature.  Anni is much more comfortable on the bed than she has been.  The apartment is 4000 dollars cheaper than the hotel would have been.

The trip was very difficult for Anni, and we are just grateful that God’s Grace has enabled us to come now.

At this time we dont have any internet access, so it is hard to write more.

Amma lands on the American Continent in 4 days, and from today, we will see Her in 9 days.

Please keep up all of your efforts for Anni, and know that we are deeply touched and grateful for every positive thought or action ofered to God for her, as we wait for her audience with Our Lord.
Loving you,
-Kamala

Dearest Friends and Family,

The Lord is coming to San Ramon in 9 days, we gotta be there. I feel certain Anni’s life will be saved if we can only make it there. In 2003, when Amma had told us to come to the US to get the children’s highschool diplomas, it was fall going into winter. The days were grey and cool, then cold. It was the first time we were connecting back to blood relatives in over 10 years. At that time, there was no support of any kind for our going to see our Only Own in San Ramon, but, by God’s grace, we went anyhow. We got a hotel room about 6 miles from the ashram, and were able to go to all the programs, except the retreat, since we didn’t have enough money.

This time, we have all the support to go. By Grace, a lovely hotel suite has been arranged, flight tickets made, a friend who is really family is going to loan us her car, our Gerson Person - Shirley Tice, leaving here this Friday, will meet us there, June 2 with her juicer, and meet the Amma she saw in her room. Shirley said to me, “I wonder what Amma will say to me, I mean, its not the first time we are meeting!” We have tix to LA and a room in the hotel where Amma will be staying. Its a dream come almost true. The only aching burning question in my mind, is….can Anni hold out till then and make the trip? Its 6 hours by air from here….Her heart shows little sign of letting up the pounding….she is so weak somedays that she cannot speak out loud. Walking to the bathroom is her maximum activity, as she lies, most of the day, fighting pain, headache, nausea, heart problems, etc. WE GOTTA GO! AMMA IS OUR ONLY HOPE FOR ANNI! O LORD! BY YOUR GRACE MAKE IT POSIBLE FOR US TO BE WITH YOU IN SAN RAMON!
Recently, in just the last few days, Anni has developed all these plumbing pipe problems. When she coughs now, it sound like she is vomiting. There are gurgles of all sorts that she never used to make. Her chest, after 5 months of difficulty breathing, has become enlarged in a wierd way - looking barrel-ish….Her spine, after so much pain and inactivity is in the shape of a ‘C’. These days, when she drinks, it often goes down the wrong pipe, which leads to bouts of long, intense coughing, which because she is so weak, does not clear out her throat fast…. then, the coughing turns into vomiting, and all the food, put in to help, comes out….

WE GOTTA MAKE IT TO SAN RAMON! WE GOTTA GET TO AMMA! O dear Lord, please make it possible for us to be with You there! This is our only mantra. Everything we know hangs on this - to get to our only real doctor, while Anni still can.

Each day here is a battle against odds that seem so against us. Things are much worse than when Rishi and Anand were here. Anni is so weak now, her body so tired from the pounding heart…all the little zillion complications….the only thing that can save her, is HER. We have always known this, but here we are. Out here.

This time, when we came here, it was still winter.. The hospital days were cold and grey. Now spring is edging into summer and, still we are in a terrible winter. Do you not have need, or use, or wish, O Beautiful One, for this little buttercup to be by Your Side? Anni is a lily of the valley in the wild, wild garden of my Lord…..

I have to say something about archanas. For those of you who know my attendance record in the ashram, and worry for my soul….We are very grateful that archanas are being done with such enthusiasm for Anni. Definitely, we can see that they affect her, and it is positive in everyway. The names of God are powerful. Yet, we do not do archanas around a bedside unless that person is very sick, isn’t it? When one sees a person surrounded by people chanting archana softely, there is a sense of the person leaving, isn’t it? A few days ago, Anni refused to eat. It is a problem with advanced illnesses. The body wants to shut down, and medical anorexia develops. If it continues, the patient soon dies from the complications of malnutrition. It was during this time, as Anni was leading up to a no food day, by eating less and less each day, that she began wanting to hear archana. That particular day, she also wanted the drapes closed, so the light in the room was darker….

I tried to cooperate, but, finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I said, you are not here to slowly die! You are here to Live! Live! And I opened up all the curtains, the windows, and sent for funny movies…..Link and I began a heavy campaign which we are still continuing to encourage her to EAT. For this we are grateful for the Gerson Therapy’s emphasis on food. Anni has to drink 13 /8oz (250ml) of fresh squeezed juices a day, plus 3 meals….plus snacks….although she picks like a bird - ever her eating style, encouraged by her finding so many insect abdomens and wings in the kanji curries - despite the body’s desire to shut down, curl up and die, the requirements of the Gerson Therapy and its high nutrition, are, so far, by the Grace of God Alone, keeping her going….nothing can save her but Amma though, for there are too many things going wrong….

We had to work on the medical directives and medical power of attorney forms with Anni. Its hard work, and we still have to get them notorized. Even so, it is unlikely that in an emergency situation, Anni’s wishes regarding her body will be recognized….Perhaps she did not really understand that what is happening here is a terminal illness….then there is a status called ‘end stage condition’ which we are not at yet….but hearing about it all, I think has made her more determined to fight. Its hard. Listening to yourself, vs. listening to the illness in yourself…..which can seem like yourself…..nasty, pernicious, deceitful things are degenerative illnesses!

Please, Please, Please send her all your prayers for locomotion and strengh to make it to the presence of Amma!

Amma is our only refuge, for our lives, for Anni!

Loving you All,

Kamala Aunty  PS  I’ll ask Link to post a photo of Rishi and Anand and Pankaj who visited last week..

Dearest Friends and Family,

So much keeps happening. I want to write many a little thought or experience, but, do not have the time. We cannot take our eyes, minds, or hands away from Anni for long, nor do we want to. For those of us who have had the opportunity to be with Anni and serve her in small ways, there is a burning eagerness to do so. Many times, when helping her in the personal things, like enemas, showers, dressings, etc. I often think of Lakshmi who lives with Amma, and feel I am being given an understanding of what it must be like to serve the Lord in those small ways, when She is in so much pain. I have sat in some programs in a position far above the stage where I could have an almost birds-eye view of the Lord giving darshan. It was a painful viewing. There was not one minute that went by where our Amma was not pounded, bonked, her thighs used as a support for tremendously overweight people to raise themselves up from her embrace, or her flesh cluched hard on her back, sides, or Her cheeks dug by people intending to give her a love pat, in that desperately short moment of time… never mind the hair pulls, the whacks to her face and lips by heads….the sharp bangle edges…the line of human prisperation gummying up her lips and gown….Seeing that, I always wished She could have healing silence after Darshans, that after all that, ALL watching Her return to Her room would realize how aching and sore her physical form must be! She gives Herself in all those touches, but at what tremendous cost! It seems not many are aware however, and even on the way back to Her room She is clutched and pounded by devotees.

In the face of Anni’s great and intense pain, this must be like serving Amma in those times. At least, we feel it so. In the face of such tremendous self sacrifice, there is no room for any ego display from us. We only want her peace, her relief, her ease in any way. No matter what she says or does. Her irritation with our out of tune-ness with her, by which we cause her more ignorant pains - So must it be to serve the Lord after her heavy Darshans….This whole thing - Anni’s health and suffering, feels like a self sacrifice on her part, to me. She has made the decision to bear with all the pain as conscioiusly as possible. Despite the intensity of it all, she is so pure, sweet and good in all her actions and intentions. Because her mind is based in simplicity and purity, people often oerlook her voice, which in retrospect is wise and to the point and we are the most guilty ot this. Daily, I see how through this situation, our Lord is giving me opportunities to sharpen my shraddha and attunement - which is really about letting go of what I think, and opening fully to what is happening….what is happening, in the present, is always God, but I often don’t see it, intejecting the small self….our children are always our most profound teachers.
Our Anni is in so much pain, it burns all of us. there is nothing we can do to relieve its constancy. Its wearing on her is scaring us horribly…we understand why people want to see their near and dear loved ones out of pain, in anyway possible…it is unbearable to see the exhausting effects on her form….the weakness, sleeplessness, etc. She still refuses to take the narcotics that could break the mind -body connection and give her ‘relief”. She says, its not relief, they make her head out of sorts and so sick….

At the same time, Anni seems to be deeply attuned to all the efforts going on to help her. Recently, some people in CT, held a spontaneous satsang for Anni. During this time, outwardy unknowing of it, she fell asleep here. Nowadays, she reuests us to chant the arhana, and gets very irritated with our lack of proper pronunciation, postures, speeds, etc. In all this, in everything from and with her, we are seeing and hearing Amma. And how can we let this precious one suffer more? O Lord! Shed Thy Mercy! Are You not compassionate? How is it You are bearing with her suffering?

All the Doctors, including the Gerson practioner in CA, have said that only God’s Grace, through a miracle can save her. Please ask your Divine Beloved, whoever or whatever it is, to shower MERCY on Anni, so she can sleep, so She can heal, and serve this world selflessly at Amma’s blessed feet. O Lord, this world has given up on Anni, have You? please shower your Mercy and Healing upon her! We have nothing and no one but You…You are the food, You are the fire….Brahmhar panam….

Pranaam of Soul to All of You, please keep up your prayers for Anni! Loving you, Kamala Aunty

Dearest Friends and Family,

Since I last wrote you, much has happened. Anni’s pounding heart beat has become a constant phenomenon. Pounding hard, day and night, her respiration increased to match….there came a point where the general panic was fairly terrible.

I called the Dr. who is our assigned medicaid physician, and his suggestion was to go to the emergency room. When I tried to get the issues of her heart pounding as related to her months of sleeplessness and intense pain, which keeps her from sleeping, he didn’t see any connection. He thought it is from a blood clot, and advised me in serious and admonishing tomes. Its been like this all along. My concerns about her experience with Hepatitis in 2002 are brushed aside, because tests via technology show a normally functioning liver. This despite the fact that there is a tumor on it! Despite the fact that her hands and feet are bright yellow! Same with the kidney test. The tests show normal functioning kidneys, and yet there is a huge tumor, considered the main tumor on one. This type of “modern medicine” is only producing people who are technology based and driven, who can ony presecribe drugs for the pharmaceutical industry. How sad that India should seek in anyway to emulate this system!

The problem with rushing Anni to the emergency room, is that it solves nothing, will stress her and exhaust her unnecessarily, and subject her to more gruelling tests that cannot connect the dots of her illness. The legal, educational and medical systems in my country are so intermeshed, that a person’s rights and wishes are literally taken away from them once they are intubated or enter an emergency room. Seeing her weakened state things can be done to her against her will. Anni was adamant that she was not going to the emergency room….all this was a few days ago, and we are still going on.

So, things have been pretty tense. We got a blood pressure pulse cuff, with which to monitor the goings on in her heart, it also shows irregular beats. We became even more alarmed. But, somehow, deep down, despite the panic of everyone around us, who care deeply for Anni, somehow, Link, Anni and I, felt only that we have somehow to ride out the storm, and things will change. Nonetheless, we found it difficult to resist the fear and panic in the minds around us. The Dr. who is the Gerson practioner for us, after receiving my worried call, called early the next day and spoke to Shirley, and said he could no longer be Anni’s practioner, as “she is beyond nutritional support”. I was amazed. Dr. Max Gerson took patients that had been dumped out of the medical hospitals, left to die, and resusitated them with loving care and nutrional support combined with detoxification. So, its very interesting, but really only points to the intense FEAR that everyone has. At one point, I was being told, “You will be legally responsible for not making sure that Anni got into the hospital….if she dies, there will be an investigation, people will see you as neglectful…” What this all showed us, was the usual attitude in human beings of rejecting opportunities for caring responsibility. No one wants to be sued, and this is a suing culture. Everyone wants to make sure their “behind” is safe, so to speak. So, the best way, if there is any doubt, is to dump the problem into the hands of those society holds to be ‘professionally responsible”. Then, if you die because no one could use their common sense and see connections, or you were overdosed with morphine, as Anni was earlier, or you are given poisons to zap your cancer, rather than meaningful and helpful ways to preserve and enhance the integrity of your body, then, no one is personally responsible, and somehow this is all seen as OK. Efficiency can have a very cruel edge it not springing from the heart….

Another thing is safety. People around me began to question if it is ’safe for Anni to be at home’. These are legalizing terminologies, that come from fear. If Anni is put into a hospital, no one needs blame themselves for what will be the miserable end of her life. Modern science will have done its best. surgeons will have done theirs. Will any of it have helped Anni? this safety issue, is one that is really bogging the country  down. People cannot allow their children to climb trees, or play outside in the snow for a day, or even allow children to touch and hug other children, because, “it may not be safe”. Out of this great concern for ’safety’ comes more and more fear.

As long as we don’t want to live our lives responsibly, we will need ever more powerful social structures around us, which will masquerade as taking that responsibility. We will need police near by, since we can’t and won’t police ourselves, extra programs and tuitions for school, and our children will spend all their time there, since we won’t be actively involved and supportive of their education, hospitals where we can have medical help for the common cold, and more drugs to help us live our unnatural lifestyles and cope with our sickened environment. In India, there was never a police force for social control, and still isn’t in the villages, which for time immemorial have resolved disputes and quarrels through personal and social pressures, rather than the nebulous and impersonal state. There were never creshes either, for mothers to leave their babies, while they assumed the double burden of making a home and earning an income. So what goes? The home and the well being of the babies, and the security of the society. And for some, these structures will be useful, to fill in the thinking and take action and ‘responsiility’ where they cannot.

When we first learned about Anni’s illness, I trusted the ‘modern science world like a child, hoping they would help her. As time when on, and the utter folly of the plans for her, plans that really did not take Anni’s whole situtaion into account became apparent. The lack of connectivity between the doctors, the medicine they prescribed and the environmental reality and totality of Anni’s body as a single organism, the lack of genuine wholistic vision, shocked us.

All of this has gone to show us that we have nothing and no one but our Precious Amma to help us. And for this we are grateful, and I believe, we have always known this. I do not know why we are having this experience. Only She knows what is supposed to be happening here. We can only carry on, through the fog….

This is a gripe entry. Sometimes, you have to get it off your chest. We hope we have offended no one. Hope all of you will be alert, and take your own health and healing and education into your own hands. Loving you, Kamala, Anni and Link

Dearest Friends and Family,

Well, we got the blood test done. It showed Anni’s hemoglobin count to be 8.7. Here, when the hemoglobin comes down to 8.0, a blood transfusion is done. Link and I have the same blood type as Anni…will it be enough if needed, will we be allowed to give it? The test also showed some hyperactivity in the thyroid….In India, her hemoglobin was 9. At NIH, it was down to 8.6…it did not seem to be of great concern to the people there…its interesting….I guess when you deal with people with terrible diseases, you can be pretty casual about all these things…I remember a few weeks ago, I called the Dr.’s there, fearing that Anni was possibly dehydrated…and they asked if she was still urinating…so, I guess, its a different definition of dehydration, and acute circumstances….

In the last few days, Anni’s heart beat has become very strong at times, to the point where one can feel the vibrations sitting near her, as well as see her clothing moving. Small efforts, like coughing, bring on the pounding heart….at ‘rest’, it seems to be about 120 beats a minute….thats another thing- the coughing that has started. Since January, when she was incorrectly diagnosed as having pluerisy, it has been too painful for her to cough. Last week, she began to cough. We felt it could be a positive sign, given her inability to cough for so many months…but along with it all, came more and more pain….pain on coughing…pain in every way of sitting and lying down…and then the pounding heart…

So, today, we all entered a general state of uneasy panic regarding her heart beat…I mean, we are not seeing great and rapid improvements…. Shirley felt very uneasy about the heart beat, and the possibility of heart damage, or heart attack occuring….so, we are trying to contact doctors, who would be open to working with the Gerson approach, yet, have medical know-how and could tell us if there is cardiac problem happening…

Now our house is blessed with Rishikesh from Amritapuri and Anand and his mother Pankaj Sharma from LA. Rishi brought lots of mail for Anni from the Ashram, and we spent one delicious day, savoring each letter…there were very special prasads from Amma’s room, too…including a bottle of mostly used perfume that our Lord often wears…it was when we smelled That Smell, that our hearts rent open, and the longing, bravely supressed, flowed out…and Anni began crying to go home. For us, the Ashram has been and is our home…

At night, Anni took the bottle of perfume and slept with it under her pillow, to remind herself of the Precious One. 1/2 way through the night, she got furious with the perfume bottle for not being Amma, and cast it away…There is NO SOLACE but You, O Lord, NO COMFORT but You…what sort of bribery is this? Reminders and hints! We are unbribed, and ever hungry…someone should tell Her….

Rishi said that from reading this blog, some people may have the idea that Anni is in a dying state. But he said that seeing her, her tremendous strength of spirit, her cheerfulness, lovingness and joyousness and smiles, he was relieved to see her still radiating that sweetness and light.

While I have tried my best to truthfully portray the physical state she is in, as we are experiencing and seeing it, I have never felt that Anni is dying. We all see this as some absolutely bizarre experience that we are all having, the outcome of which will be her positive health by the grace of God, through all of you..
When we were at NIH, the Washington Cancer Institute and the Children’s National Medical Center, eg., during the month of March and part of April, I felt tremendous misery, tremendously uncertain….they could only show us a dark road to a short life and painful death…Now, despite all the ups and downs, the decline in her movements, the new heart stuff, we do not feel Anni will leave us at all…I know that Amma is in her, Amma has the capacity to smile out of her at any moment in shining health, and that my Outer Amma loves her, is concerned about her, and with That Concern, how can I take my own worrying seriously?

Yet, I find her pains unbearable, and now they are constant…Uncle Jeff if most often away, but calls quite frequently, several times a day, and himself cannot sleep well, being away from Anni…

It is a great blessing that at this time, we are all together, to be with Anni, to have a hand in her healing, to witness her sweetness, to remember at every moment what is important in life, and to live in that awareness. Her eyes are so beautiful, her smile is so radiant. All of you, who are praying positively for her, who are taking active steps to promote her healing, all of you are part of her healing….how can we not succeed? Our Lord has the softest of hearts. How can She not hear? There is nothing impossible for Her, how can Anni not be healed?

Perhaps it is that we all need the harsh reminder of what is important and real in life, what is worth cherishing and serving and loving and honoring. So therefore, our lesson time is long and protracted, because we are slow to learn and quick to forget….we should all realize how much pain people who walk awkwardly or cough miserably are in. Rishi noted how Anni is walking like our sweet Satyabhama in the Ashram. We should all realize how much terrible and deep pain our dear Satyabhama is constantly in.  Seeing Anni’s great discomfort, I do not know how Satybhama has been able to bear her discomforts for so many years.
Whenever I look at Anni, and I feel she is in some pain, I say, “Don’t you worry, buttercup”, and she looks at me with irritation and sharply retorts, “I’m not the one who is worried, its all of you!”

We have brave and pure lights before us.  We need only faith that they are there.

Please give us your blessings, that we grow in true understanding and wisdom, shed our indifference and serve Her truthfully in all.

Loving you all,

Kamala Anni and Link (KAL)

Dearest Friends and Family,

Forgive our tardiness in posting letters. It is very busy here. I cannot say that Anni is improving, although I hope so. She moves much less. We don’t go for walks anymore. But, maybe, she should just be having bed rest…we always had to push her before.  She has gained a pound of weight, and, we hope that is good news. Her nights are pure torture and hell, it starts around 6pm everyday, and only gets worse through the night, and slightly better during the day, then back to another hellish night.. the build up of sleepless nights, racked with pain, and days with increasing pain, is having its toll..on her, on everyone….

We found out we may not be doing the supplements right, and are trying to get a blood test done tomorrow for the Gerson Practioner to examine…

The other Dr.’s in the NIH group decided finally that Anni has a very rare chromosomal cancer, called TFEB. I dunno. They think all kinds of things. Steve Fleischer is gone….its clear that the type of medicine offered by the American Medical Association is not for cure…it treats the body like my country treats other counties: Bomb them, and then act like it is not going to have an effect on the whole planet….or the whole country…When she spoke with the Dr., Anni told him she wanted him to come with her to meet Amma when Amma comes…but, he is off to a new job in Texas, so…the dreams of life go on…..

So. I don’t know what to say. We are always encouraged by dreams and positive ideas. We know Amma is greater than any fumbling effort that we can make, and that ultimately and immediately, we stumble along in ignorance, trying to do what is the best for Anni,  I fear often we frustrate and hurt her more than we know….

The intensity of her suffering and pain agonizes all of us.  We try all kinds of little things to help…but, today, nothing is working.  The last few days, nothing is working.  So, WHAT CAN I SAY?    There is no one to whom I can scream and shake…other than the Nameless One,  and knowing all,  we are nothing and no one with out Her,  and so, as She once said to me, “Who are you to advise Me?”  Her power,  Her laws, are absolute…we do not understand or know what direction we are in….

Lets see….positive things….

We really learn how to live in the present moment with all this.  And even so, is it the real present moment?  I don’t know…existential questions, reading, poetry, fine thoughts, exalted mind states,  springitme. politics, newspaper, movies, and trivial chatter,  all that is beyond our scope of understanding, experience and interst.  We are only - Now.  only - Anni.  only the straining to hear -Amma.  Birdsong is still interesting.,  is it Her voice?

So.  We need help.  We need all those who can, to go to Amma, physcially,  and tell Her, Amma!  keep Anni on this earth to be in your physical presence, to serve you, to inspire all those around You with the glory of Your Love and Joy!   We are not there to talk with  Her.    Can those of you who are near Her, do so?  Can we give up ouir shynesses, and all press the Lord?

Wherever you are, to the Amma in your hearts, can you press Her to end Ani’s suffering in health and Joy?  Can I now shamelessly beg you this favor?  Can you call the Ashram or send emails to Her?  Send letters, and heart calls?

I don’t know what Tapas can move You, O Lord, to end your silence, to end Anni’s pain, to bring the heart hope of Joy….

With all our love,  Kamala, Anni and Link