A Tale of Grace

posted by Kamala on Sep 30

Dearest Friends and Family,

            We found some hilarious jokes in Anni’s diary which we wanted to share…On tours stops in India, and sometimes elsewhere, Amma occasionally will ask for a joke.  While we never had the chance to give Her any,  we wanted to be prepared. Trying to keep a ready repertoire of jokes on hand, was an ongoing effort on our part, and we made efforts to find good jokes, and prepare them in the event that we were ever called.

These two anecdotes, talk about situations with Brahmachari Gurudas, or Gurudas, as he is more commonly known.  Our family nickname for him (and we have nicknames for everybody) is Goo-dasy.  He is a hardworking brahmachari, who for the most part has been a real human being to us, acting as a family friend to the children,  sharing stories of Amma and spiritual concepts with us.  We came to know him in this regard through numerous small projects that we began to beautify the area around Amma’s room,  over the years, which often entailed his assistance in his more official capacity for securing bricks, cement, masons (he himself knows masonry also) etc. 

From a distance, it appears that he is always busy. It appears he has numerous ashram duties,  of various types of physical labor, from working with the laborers, hauling sand, cement,  cleaning the cow shed, being night duty guard attendant, dealing with the waste, setting up latrines,  the kitchen, etc., etc., really, his activities are so numerous it is hard to say what all he does.   He is always ready to lend a hand to anyone, for anything.   Along with Brahmachari John, he also attends to the funerals,   and disposal of ashes ceremonies, and was there with us when Anni’s ashes pot was thrown into the sea.  We used to take care of the darshan hut, and this story is from that time, one day when Anni and Link were working on it..  Anni entitled it:

“Repairing the Darshan Hut

One day, before Amma came back from some foreign tour, in 2003,  Gurudas decided that it was time to paint the Darshan hut roof. [this must mean the poles that hold up the thatch roof].  So accordingly, Lincoln and he brought in two tables (to tie together); so that one may reach the roof.  As we were tying them together, Gurudas looked at me and said:

“See, you’re not tying them tight enough.  When you tie, they should be so tight that your face turns purple, and an onlooker should be able to distinctly see the outline of every muscle in your face, and your veins should bulge and your eyes should bug out.”

After we were finished with the tedious task, he turned to me and said,

“You’ve still not tied it tight enough.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I tell you, I did”

“Then will you get up and stand there?” he asked.

“Of course I will, “ I said, preparing to climb to the top.

“How do you know it won’t fall?”

“You two tied the other 3 legs.”

“Ay!” he said, “but we were all thinking the same thing!”

On tours, besides various duties, Gurudas also is the person who hands out tokens for darshan with Amma on the gents side.  In India, this can be a very powerful as well as dangerous position.  Once Amma starts darshan in the outside programs, where often 100,000 and more people are desperately wanting to get a token to see Her, and get in line, so as not to wait the whole night…the token man is in very hot demand. We have seen, with our own eyes,  from a helpless distance, Gurudas roughed up by a burly mob, the hair on his head in several peoples fists, his beard in the grip of other fists which rocked his head to and fro, demanding his personal attention.  It was after this that Gurudas began going on all the tours completely clean shaven.  Amma often jokes about this.  

It appears that Gurudas suffers an inner conflict.  There is his duty as Amma has told him – to give tokens out to the hundreds of thousands of people.  There is his duty as a spiritual son of Amma, to see that Amma’s form is kept well and safe.  When the darshans are very heavy, going 12 and more hours, sometimes 24 hours,  it is very hard to be kind or patient with hundreds of people who have just come,  and want to get darshan for a program which had begun the previous day!  Anni’s story exemplies this conflict in a way, well known on the Indian Tours.  She entitled it:

“Token Man

In Palakkad tour, [Northern Kerala] 2002, I was walking towards the Canteen and kitchen around 11:30 PM.  On my way, at least 3 people asked me where the ‘Token man’ was.

“I don’t know, maybe around Amma,” came the reply. (Tokens are only distributed until 12:00 AM) [time was fast running out for the token-less]

When I reached the kitchen, who should I see there, but Gurudas, the long lost ‘token man’ sitting in the far corner of the inaccessible store room, with a stack of tokens in his hand, looking around thoughtfully….”

That’s all for now.

Loving you,

Kamala Aunty, Anni and Link

posted by Kamala on Sep 26

Dearest Friends and Family,

            Tomorrow is the celebration of Amma’s official birthday here in Amritapuri.  The celebrations have started fully today, and there are tens of thousands of people in the ashram.  I haven’t gone down yet today…the crowds are thick…every time I look over at the bridge that we made after the Tsunami, to connect the island with the mainland, there is a thick human stream, like a river flowing in both directions, coming and going over it.  This year, I feel the greatest service I can do, is to stay out of the way.  We don’t have much heart for a party.

            We are very slow at going over Anni’s works.  We went though all her school notebooks a week or so ago…looking for her doodles, or any signs of self expression.  It is unfortunate that the schooling system here, even on the university level, really discourages self expression and genuine analysis.  I found comments from teachers on her exams chiding her for expressing her own opinions…if only they could realize how their own stilted thinking prevents India’s progress…. We are keeping aside all of her doodles.

            What amazes me is how many little sayings captured her attention.  She always wrote down little bits of wisdom that she found.  And rewrote them in later journals.  She was unconcerned about their source,  only in the way they struck her heart.  What amazes me also, is how they are mostly all about love.  I am ever in awe of her pure, sweet heart.

Here are 9 of her inspirational quips:

1. “When the power of love overcomes the love of power…then the world will know peace.”
2. He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, while he who has an enemy shall meet him everywhere.
3. The best way to cheer yourself up, is to cheer somebody else up.
4. The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.
5. Reality is wrong.  Dreams are for real.
6. The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.
7. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
8. God is that which the blind can see, to whom the lame can walk, to whom the dumb can speak…
9. God is there in everyone’s eyes, they only don’t know it.  We should be able to see God there, in their eyes, even when they don’t know it, for She is ever-present.  Have faith in that.”

Wishing you love and peace,

Kamala Aunty, Anni and Link

posted by Kamala on Sep 15

Dearest Friends and Family,

There is something else I wanted to discuss. It is what I feel to be an erroneous ‘spiritual’ concept of a Mother’s blind attachment to her child. Attachment, in some circles around me, is considered a hindrance to ‘spiritual advancement’ a sign of holding onto this world of name and form, and therefore, to an ultimate delusion, as this is a place of constant change, not our real home, etc., etc.
Not all Mothers are able to truly love their children. It’s always amazing to me, but, in my experience, it is true. Perhaps it is more, that due to certain negative mental tendencies in themselves, they are unable to show that love in constructive, responsible and meaningful ways for the child. For those that do though, they will bear witness with me, that the child is really the mother of the mother. For it is the child who teaches us small Mothers, of which I am one, how to hear and be the Mother within. Through open, attentive listening to the unspoken needs and honoring and deeply respecting the directions of the child, the Mother unveils herself, within the small Mother.
So who is it that is unveiled? The true Mother is nothing less than the great author of the music that turns the spheres, and of the spheres themselves. It is the same Great Mother in the ‘little mother’. Although the ability to become aware of this is easily accessible to all, particularly females, for me, the birth and experience of becoming a small Mother to my children, Link and Anni, has most clearly revealed and defined this. I know many of my failings, yet, I have watched and seen the depthless One, that a Mother and child always are, reveal its wisdom and knowledge for my babies and myself as an indivisible part of them.
The joy of mothering is that one can watch and see this Great Mother within oneself, and say “I’ , demonstrating to ones’ own mind, a divine sense of self identification with the Great Mother. Even though a biological Mother may be a ‘small’ Mother, she is an undeniable part of the Great Mother energy. It is the unique prerogative of anyone who unveils that Mother within themselves, either through mothering their own children, or others, or mothering other beings in the Creation. Once it is awakened, it is truthful and unerring in knowing the positive directions for the child. It is fearless wisdom incarnate.
In my observations, for many small Mothers, the gestation of the child, births the Mother. I have known many women who have lost their baby during gestation. The Mother’s body undergoes a tremendous sense of loss and grieving, which deeply affects the psychological state of the would-be Mother. Why? The body itself had been programmed to see the baby through until physical birth. By what? How can we call this stage – the unborn child, its loss, and consequent grieving, attachment? This is not attachment. This is the cry of the body and the unformed imprints left on the heart of the would-be Mother, to see the child through, to see it born.
And after the child is born? Even after a normal birth, the Mother’s body goes through a slightly depressed state, the ‘woos” as a friend of mine called them. It’s a time of grieving the loss of closeness and cellular security that gestation meant. None of this is false or petty attachment. All of this springs from the depths of duty, dharma, righteousness, purity to hold safe and guide the child in the directions right for him or her. It is the creative and sustaining or preserving force of the Universe. These two aspects of the conception of God in Sanatan Dharma [eternal truth, Hinduism] , comprise two thirds of the God head, viewed as Creative, Preserving and Destructive.
The road for the child within the heart of the mother blazes clear in her. All the ways to guide the child, what to watch out for, the font of unconditional love – are awoken. This is not attachment, this is the wellspring of dharma, purity and truth, that comes from the Great Mother manifesting in the ‘little mother’. When little Mothers cannot be pure and true to the Great Mother within them, due to their own mind problems, it can very negatively affect the child. Very few small Mothers can be true to that unconditional love within them for their child, although, it is still there.
It is a great pity and loss for mankind that the wonderous, unifying essence of Motherhood is so devalued, so disrespected, even by small Mothers themselves in what is termed ‘modern’ and ‘technical’ societies. Even in India now, we see the lower middle classes, with young mothers working 12 hour shifts, and children in crèches and day care centers for the entire time. Add to this the poisonous toxins of soap operas, copied on American models of viperous and totally unsisterly behaviors between women, and we have the great human culture of India, disintegrating in leaps and bounds before our eyes.
As a single mother, coming from America to India, with two small children to raise, I could feel the general societal acknowledgement of the relevance of the Great Mother within every little Mother, within me. It is a culture that as yet, worships the Great Mother. I am grateful. It made raising my children with values of respect, honesty, helpfulness, peacefulness, self-restraint, hardworkingness, etc. much easier despite the ignorance we faced due to the lack of an outer father figure. It was just expected that my children would want to listen to, and follow the advises of their mother. That they would recognize her relevance to them. In western countries, rebellion against the mother is an encouraged norm. Perhaps it is because the small Mothers there are themselves not able to be responsive, or truly respect the Great Mother within themselves or in other small mothers.
To my mind, to see a Mother’s undying love for her child as ‘attachment’ is gross and glaring ignorance, displaying rather the smallness of understanding of such a thinker. I feel the scriptures and many religious texts and stories need to be re-written and/or re-interpreted to bring a better understanding to light. It is a great pity and loss to the development of human civilization that women the world over are being ‘spiritually’ educated to decry and devalue in anyway the great gift within them, which is the source of the universe itself. To be or become a perfect mother, that is, one who has no more tendencies which can stop, hinder, or warp the flow of energy of the knowingness and love of the Great Mother within for the child, or children, or the entire creation, is an open path in one in whom even small Motherhood is awakened.
The way of the Mother is very fast. Perhaps this is why women tend to be more pious, peaceful, spiritually advanced as a whole, than men. Connection to the Great Mother, being such a normal and natural state, has not been made into religious orders, with special clothes and colors. Yet, so many children know that their Mothers were the Great Mother. So many adults from different religions tell me, “My Mother was a real Saint!” and mean it sincerely. The towering heights of genuinely deep spirituality attained by unknown, unnamed, millions of Mothers, are far above the need for socialized spiritual distinction and methods of measurement devised by aggressive and competitive male –kind. No where do we see or hear of Two Great Mother Yogini’s arguing intellectually for days, or madly taking vows or fasts or giving curses, or begging boons to spiritually one-up themselves over other sages or to seek self advancement in anyway. Nor would we. Those are the ways of small children, not the Great Mother, who depths are all embracing love, silence, peace and stillness.
The Path of the Great Mother is the easiest, the most accessible. Perhaps that is why Holy Mother Amma lives it for us. Through the expansive love filled path of selfless caring, one becomes That. All true Mothers know this. All small Mothers share a common source in their Motherhood. As a small Mother, I find I am always in the presence of the Great Mother, it is an intrinsic part of me, it is me, as far as I can be true to it. For me, that means to love fearlessly. I have to strive for that. My love, longing and agony for Anni has nothing to do with attachment, and everything to do with dharma, as part of her Great Mother.
I welcome your comments. Please feel free to disagree and argue vociferously.
[note! It has come to our attention that excerpts from the blog are being used elsewhere. We don’t have a problem with that, for small 2-5 word phrases, acknowledgement is not necessary, more than that, let your conscience guide you.]
Loving you,
Kamala Aunty