A Tale of Grace

Dear Friends and Family,

Please see our updated photo album, with photos from the last days with Anni and the funeral.

Our Anni

Loving you,

K A L

Dearest Friends and Family,

Two days ago, we went and got the ashes. Today, the Death Certificate. I feel I need to write to you all, some of the things in my heart, as the ocean of grief that surrounds me, pounds relentlessly upon our minds…the last six months she was increasingly tortured by the sickness…her pain was unending, increasing, terrible beyond words. She was totally confident that Amma knew it all, and never wanted to bother her with telling Her what She already knew. She was adamant that we were never to pray that Amma should take away her pain. She never wanted to burden Amma. The memory of her intense pain tortures us. So many times, she said to me, “Mommy, make it better…” with the inherent faith that every child has that their mother will fix things…both of us knew, it was up to Amma, but no relief was forthcoming….at this time, every second, we are asking ourselves and wondering, what could we have done better? How could we have saved her? In everything around Anni, I felt we were always somehow 2 weeks too late to start some improvement in our care of her.

I need to speak frankly. She did not want to die. She wanted to stay. She was homesick for Amritapuri, She missed everyone there, she loved the entire ashram family. She missed everything there, it was her home. She did not have visions and dreams of a beautiful new world of angels. She did not see a world of peace and joy awaiting her once she dropped the form. After mid May, she began to feel that she was separating internally. She told me, ‘there is a part of me that is talking to all of you, and there is another part of me that is soooooooooo tired.’. I had dream visions of her spirit animal (that’s another whole story) a mouse, who was so, so, soooo tortured with exhaustion. She was afraid to really relax and sleep, as there was some problem that she sensed between the lungs and heart and brain. When she did allow herself to relax, she had that seizure… A few days before she passed, she told us, “I have been given the grace to live, but I have to be very careful with myself.” This was after the first seizure type thing…one of Amma’s nuns had a dream that Anni was in a wheelchair, out of pain, and sitting near Amma…we felt it might mean that she would become paralyzed in the legs. A day or so later she told us that her legs felt funny…and a swelling started on the whole right side of her body…I assure you, she did not want to leave, despite all the pain. She wanted to stay, give her love, help make this world more beautiful, serve Amma and help others. Her body was just too weak, too worn out, too exhausted and racked with pain. It had become deformed to an extent, her chest had barreled out and become misshapen from struggling to breathe for so many months. But, we had the faith, that everything was fixable, once she was on the road to health.

Three days before she passed, she expressed frustration to me, with her mind being disturbed by scenes from a DVD that we had viewed.  We have been hard pressed to find decent comedy films.  We thought this one, about parenting, would be funny.  The cover, and the first five minutes were hilarious.  After that it degenerated so seriously that we turned it off.  It was the short short scenes that she had seen in that movie - which we rejected, that bothered her at that time.  Film is very powerful.  Only watch those things that are beneficial, as the impressions can last and arise when we do not want them, despite our intellectual understandings.  In fact,  a friend, Debbie, finally brought us a children’s film in which the characters were named Zafir, and Ali.  She said to me, knowing how particular we were for decency in films, “This is a Muslim film, its gotta be clean.”  I thought it was interesting to note, that despite the negative hype going on about Islam, there is a recognition, that human decency is one of the hallmarks of it.  Islam and Allah, are names and words of Peace,  despite the present day distortions.

I never thought that Amma would let her die. Even one hour before her death, I told Sarah, “Somehow, I just know, she’s going to be fine, even though it doesn’t look good right now…’ but there were portents that gnawed and tugged at our knowingness – the big change in the ashram hearts towards us, the success of her song, the wide network of people who were touched by her, even far outside of the ashram circle – people who had never met Amma, but somehow, loved Anni. It was just too glorious. And her condition was always worsening. She looked sooo bad…..

About 20 minutes before she passed, we managed to get a call through to Lakshmi, who lives with Amma. She said she would tell Amma in 15 minutes. In 20 minutes, Anni appeared to have a need to clear her throat. Sarah was in the kitchen. Link and I moved her forward and to the side. She just flopped, she had no strength, whatsoever. She passed out of the body in a second, Link and I holding her on each side. I knew she was gone. Sarah came running and tried to revive her. She and Link tried to call the emergency services people. I watched the unbelievable event before my eyes. Over the phone, we were told to take her out of the bed, onto the floor. Even at this time, I knew, Amma could bring her back. I did not want her moved. When the paramedics came, I was adamant that they not touch the body until I had spoken to my Guru, to Amma. Finally, Amma called. Her voice sounded very sore. She said, “ Mole, mole…” to me. I begged Her to return Anni, healed in body. I said, “ Amma! She just left! She is right here! Bring her back! Please! She loves You! She wants to serve You! She wants to help You! Please! She just left! Bring her back! Bring her back! Please! Please!”

Even after they took her body to the funeral home, both Link and I waited for the call that would say, “uh, hello? Can you please come and get your daughter? It’s a real miracle…..” Even while Link pushed the body into the cremation incinerator, we looked for that hand, now blue and swollen in decomposition, to push the box lid up…

For us, our small family, was a single unit, we were and are One. This will never change. As in a statue with three faces, Anni was our best and most beautiful face, Amma is the main stone. We enjoyed a cohesiveness in life, thinking the same thoughts, singing the same songs in our hearts, that is, I think, a rare thing in human relations, but, it was normal and natural for us. Such an attunement and at-one-ment cannot disappear with the absence of the physical body. What was Anni, what loved and did the thinking, the speaking, through the instrument of the form, must still be with us. Life as we know, goes on. Amma has said, “everything is right here” But to see and touch and hear, to feel the individuality, these are the delights of the physical realm. The great Indian saint, Thirruvalluvar, in one of his 1330 aphorisms, written over 2000 years ago states – and I paraphrase, as I do not have the text with me – that the most beautiful music to a parent is the sound of their child’s voice. No consolation is possible in the face of this great loss.

We have never wasted our time worrying about whether or not we are ‘spiritual’. We have, all three, simply been ourselves. Anni was what she is. Pure, innocent, sweet and loving as well as wise. She had genuine bravery. Not only did she bear the terrible and supreme physical suffering of her illness, but she had the courage in life, to keep loving, when people slammed the doors of their hearts in her face. Or snubbed her. She had the courage to forgive, and go on, to keep looking to the good side in others. That is bravery. That is courage. She had awesome poise in her human relations, which we relied upon and admired greatly. She didn’t play games with people. She had no tolerance for injustice. She never ignored it, and it disturbed her greatly. She loved to be of service to others in whatever small way she could. She was deeply considerate. On the last day of her life, she indicated to Link while we held her onto the toilet, that he was not to allow me to lift her – she worried about straining my cardiac muscle all the time since the heart attack in Jan, 2005.. Even with serving her in small ways at night – rubbing her feet and hands, she did not want me to be disturbed.

We prefer to feel she had a mission. I know for a fact that she was willing to suffer if in so doing, she could effect a change in human consciousness. From her childhood, she seemed to long for that secretly. But, in reality, we all come in here with a mission – to give our hearts love, our hearts song, to the symphony of life here. Most of us lose our way, forget, become depressed or deluded. Anni didn’t. Through Amma’s grace, she was clearly focused her entire life. And such focus took constant external and internal vigilance. Vigilance of the heart, sweeping the debris of pain, hurt, indifference away. It takes bravery and courage to be honest, genuinely honest with ourself; To be humbly loving and forgiving in the face of those who have delusions of their power and importance. She succeeded in her mission to let you all know that she loved, and loves you. Through Amma’s grace, her message of the truth of simplicity and lovingness as being genuine spirituality was heard by all of you. To our thinking, that is true greatness, that is what is real. And we want the truth more than anything.

We know that many feel a need to see Anni as an angel floating in the sky, or in Amma’s arms. For many, there is a need to know that we have “faith” in Amma, that we see all this as part of a divine plan. I do not see these concepts in the Indian Scriptures. I have always felt that the universe and destiny are a lot more flexible than we understand. People want and seem to need the emotional and mental security of separate worlds and spiritual compartments. I do not feel these things exist. It is like telling a child that there is “santa claus”. It is like ;looking at the clouds in the sky, and saying ‘there is a dragon, a fish, or a lady ‘ in their shapes. It is like naming and grouping the stars into constellations – Orion’s Belt, the big dipper’ when each one is really a solar system unto itself. Our minds cannot conceive of Reality. We cannot conceive of or imagine even, infinite space. My darling baby is no longer contained in a form. And was she or is any of us contained and restricted to a single form? Our only consolation now, is that we too will leave this experience called ‘life’. Amma has said to emulate the qualities of the Great Ones who have left us. We intend to do just that. We feel a great need to promote and live by the sweet song of her life, which is our family song. It is our way to keep her with us. As a family, we have always worked on projects together. To make something a little more clean or beautiful, to make things to honor our Amma, or make music. Our next family project is to create a music CD out of the music that we have done together for Amma. We hope that many of you will be able to help us with your talents and voices. Our dear Karthu in Mumbai will head the project.

For us, Anni will always be part of us. As ever. That cannot change. And in understanding this, we understand that there is only Oneness, everywhere, for everything and everyone is part of the One, and everything is right here. We are actually, all, bodiless. As Amma has said, it’s a rented house.

We want to burst our delusions, and serve Reality. For us, this is known in Truth and not fanciful imaginations. Death is the greatest teacher, whether or not we like to know it. The Reality of Anni now, is the one we have to live with, is the one we will merge into, is the one that we will serve with our lives. We can only accept it. No consolation is possible, although it makes us glad to know you loved and love her, or that you too, will seek to serve the truth of our existence more clearly with your lives.

Loving you,
Kamala Aunty

Dearest Friends and Family,

Hari Baba was amazing in Anni’s last days and hours.  He took to lying down with her on the bed,  yet seemed very aware that she was in horrific pain in every cell.  There were times when he bit both her and me.  We were aghast, and I wanted to exile him, but, all things on this earth can bite, and we have been bitten by most people we know, yet, we still go on with them…so on we went with him…

He has shown us his broad and wise nature in many ways, even playing with Sarah’s dog, Charlie, in a tough chase and circle game, in which he maintained total control.

The day Anni passed, he lay down underneath her bed on the floor, beneath her head.  The morning after her body was removed from the flat here,  he came in through the patio doors, and saw that Link and I had slept in the living room.  He looked at us.  At first, he would not go into the room that Anni had died in.  He toured around, then sniffed the flowers that dear ones had brought us.  Very Deliberately.  He sniffed the roses and carnations singlely.  Then he walked out, and for the first time, we heard him crying as he walked away. Loud, distressed, sad cries.

He has come back every day since,  it seems he understands that we will be gone soon.  He never eats, only drinks water here.   A true heart, which understands, and feels, gives solace.  We are grateful for his self-generosity with us.

Hari Om,
Kamala Aunty.

Dearest Friends and Family,

Anni’s Funeral is going to be at 1pm on Monday (today), at the Rose Lawn Crematorium, in Livermore, CA.

1240 N Livermore Ave.
Livermore, CA 94551

Dearest Friends and Family,

I’m sure everybody wants to know the details… so here goes.

Annika had been recently bringing up huge wads of clear yellow mucus. The relaxant had stopped her cough. She was clearly conscious, but too weak to respond. Occasionally she was able to speak small words, tried to communicate… We called people near Amma on the tour, and were able to get the message to Amma.

We were trying to get Annika to drink some carrot juice - she had had nothing to eat or drink for the past 9 hours, as she had been sleeping. When we put a tiny bit of juice in the back of her mouth, she would swallow, so this is how we were proceeding.

We were trying to get her to spit out some mucus which was there in her mouth, unsuccessfully. Her body was so weak that she had to be held up, with support for her head. I was on one side of the bed, and Mom was on the other. It was late at night, and mom’s friend Sarah who had been visiting was in the kitchen, cleaning up before going to her house.

We heard some rattling in her lungs, and thought that she was coughing up something, and perhaps it was stuck in her mouth. I guess now that it was the death rattle.

Mom and I tried to tilt her head foreward to get out whatever it was at the back of her mouth, and she went limp, falling onto her own lap. We lifted her back, very concerned now, and she kind of sat up, and was not breathing - was gone.

We were now shouting her name, rubbing her chest, trying to bring her back to conciousness. I felt for her pulse, but there was none. Then I knew theoretically that she was gone. Hearing our shouts, Aunt Sarah came running…

I called 911 on my cell phone, and got the Highway Patrol! It said to say “one” if this was an emergency call, which I did. Then I got “All of our operators are busy. Please be ready to tell the operator the nature of the emergency, your location, …” Then it started ringing, and ringing, and ringing… It rang for about 90 seconds before I got fed up and hung up. Then I called everybody I knew who was with Amma, to tell Amma that Anni had died. Priya took a phone to Amma’s room, but the door was shut.

Aunt Sarah was trying to reach 911 on her cell phone too, and was having the same problem. Meantime I ran and woke up the neighbours to see if they had a land phone, but they didn’t. They gave me the number for the Fire Department, but by that time Aunt Sarah had managed to contact the emergency personnel. Those people instructed us to get the body off the bed onto the floor and do CPR and Artificial Respiration, and guided us through it. We got the body onto the floor, and Aunt Sarah pushed air into Anni’s lungs as instructed. A huge fountain of foul smelling liquid came rushing out of Anni’s mouth. This happened a few times. I took the phone and relayed instructions to Aunt Sarah and Mom, who were doing the procedures. We knew it was helpless, but the lady on the other end of the phone had us keep on. Finally the paramedics came.

We moved away from the body. They attached several pads to Anni’s chest and abdomen, and connected up a ECG machine. There was nothing. One of them asked if we had a DNR - Do Not Resuscitate - order signed by Anni, which we did. Mom had to get up and give it to them.

It was Amma’s grace that we had that order. Had we not had it, they would have been required by law to intubate her - put her body on a breathing machine, IV drip, and try to jumpstart her heart.

The Police were also there. They needed to know a doctor who would be able to sign the death certificate, so I gave Dr Dave (a doctor who we met at the ashram) a call. He had come to see Anni just 3 days before, and had given us some medicine which relaxed her skeletal muscles, and helped her sleep. He also gave us the prescription for the oxygen and hospital bed. Amazingly, even at 2 am, he took the call. I gave the phone to the police officer, and they worked out the details of the paper work.

Incidentally, government offices are closed on Saturday and Sunday, so we all have to wait till Monday morning for Dr Dave, the County Coroner, and the Deer Creek Funeral Home to sort out the papers. Hopefully that will be finished by noon, and the cremation will be done at 1pm. The crematorium is in a place called Rose Lawn, in Livermore, California.
We feel that she accepted death, as she accepted all the suffering, but that she wanted to stay with us all. Her body was just too weak and perhaps damaged from the suffering for her to be able to do so. She felt accepted all the suffering, all the pain, as Amma’s will, and never resisted.

God bless our little Angel…

-Link

Let this be a place for people to share their joyous memories of Anni — I’m sure there are many.

I’ll start off with some: I remember how we (her, Lincoln and I) used to go fishing in the backwaters for their little cat, Tushti. And how one time we tied Lincoln up at the top of the roof (I can’t remember the details).

I had forgotten about this one but she told me about it again when I went to Maryland: Apparently I used to be pretty gullible and one time there was a vegetable for lunch called ‘elephant’s foot.’ She told me that it was made by cutting off the feet of elephants and putting them in the ground. I never ate it…

And in San Ramon a few years ago, when I was on crutches, I wanted her to get me a slice of pizza at the snack shop but she went and got something else and made me eat it and said it was good for me.

Everything happened so long ago that the individual memories are blurred, and all I remember is a strong feeling of love and friendship.

Please come to www.TaleOfGrace.com and share your memories as comments to this post.

Love,
Anand

PS from Lincoln - We are hoping to read some of these stories at the funeral service. Thanks.

In her last day of Math Class, Anni wrote a song.  She also made a tune for it, and a friend made it into a very beautiful song.  It embodies everything she was praying for…  Here are the lyrics:

Green Grass, Blue Skies 

Refrain: 

Green Grass, Blue Skies,
In this beautiful World.
One Lord, One Love,
Has created it So.
Cant we Love each other?
Fill this place with Harmony?
One Time,
Everywhere,
Let’s Try! May it happen today…

Verse 1:

Mountains, Valleys,
On our sweet planet Earth.
One Love, One God,
Has created it So.
Everywhere beauty abides,
Singing aloud the glory of Thee.
Flowers,
Fields and Rivers,
Alive with your sweet song of Day…

Verse 2:

Strive for
The Wonder Of Wonders,
Who has made it So.
Love Her, With All your Heart,
And all the People will Know…

—

Dearest Friends and Family,

Thank you so much for your loving prayers and kind wishes.

Annika passed on quickly around midnight, Friday, June 22, 2007.

Please keep up your prayers, for the disease in the heart of humanity.

With All Our Love,

Link

Dearest Friends and Family,

Today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere. I think the sun set after 9PM here, but I don’t know.  Anni’s Heart rate has been between 118 and 130, still in the post marathon stage…

After seeing Anni’s condition decline so rapidly in these last few days, and yet, knowing that Amma has said, “We all will heal her” and having heard Her ask all the Ashrams after Devi Bhava on the 16th,  to pray for Anni, and having read Her words “Group chanting and prayer is very powerful it can change anything” we feel an urgent need to begin a Vigil of Prayer for Anni, and the heart of Humanity. For Anni’s life on this earth, Amma wants urgent, sincere, heart wringing prayers. Maybe this is the only way that Angels can be kept on this earth, with all its darkness and dross. I don’t know. It does seem to me that the planet is quite un-evolved in many respects.  But then, so am I.

Kevin, one of the kind distance healers who has been helping Anni, (undoubtedly, another type of Angel) sent us this message about Ammas response today after his darshan with Amma in LA in which he asked about Anni’s healing. “[Amma said] People who are working on Anni were to keep praying, and to keep the praying up and strong….and that Anni would be feeling a little better today, a little stronger…more clarity, as pain is wearing out her mind, more sleep helps that…”

Dearest friends known and unknown to us, well wishers, family, now is the time we must push, like the tired runner, nearing the end of the race, with more effort in prayer for Anni. Your prayers are the most precious, precious things to us, most precious acts…please, we urge all of you, to sit somewhere, or whatever, and feel that genuine concern in your hearts, and offer it as you will…to the universe, for Anni’s healing….

I am sitting near Anni. She is now on oxygen (O2). She is sound asleep with the assistance of a non-narcotic drug that we were able to get through the kind assistance of a Dr. who assists the Ashram activities in many ways. Its been a horrible last few days.

On the 19th, it seemed that Anni had a third type of ’seizure’ wherein she went limp and was unresponsive for a few seconds. Her weakness is profound. She has to be held on the toilet; once in the bed, she is not able to change her position without assistance. That night, my dearest Sarah left around 11:30PM after massaging Anni for several hours. I woke up at 1:30 AM in response to strange sounds from Anni. It appeared she was delirious. She thought she was in Amritapuri…and kept talking to people there….she thought we were going for darshan with Amma….her heart was causing her great crushing and burning pain, and we kept rubbing her chest and chanting prayers, which calmed her body down…at one point, she said, “Swamiji, please do archana for me!” When we explained that we were not with Amma at a program, she said, with desperation, “Call the girls [In Amritapuri - the brahmacharini's] they will do archana! Tell them I need an archana done for me!” This we immediately did, talking to Bri. Chi. Bhavamrita, who assured us that the girls would do archana….at one point, it seemed she was telling me goodbye….at another, she told me that “All this (she indicated her stomach) is cancer…its really bad now….” At another, “Amma has givenHer grace for me to stay, I have to be very careful or I could permanently damage myself…”Herlips appeared to have bluish tints to me…

In the past, in Maryland, when Anni’s chest and breathing problems became pronounced we had called the Dr.s at NIH, to see if they would give us a prescription for O2. At that time, the Dr.’s said that it was not that O2 was a problem, but that her breath was ’splinting’ and that CO2 was the problem, not O2. Point being that there was not prescription given….many times since then, whenever Anni has complained that she feels she is suffocating, we have asked, “Do you want O2? ” And she has said, “Not necessary.”
On the night of the 19th, Anni wanted to tell Amma that she felt she needed O2, should she get it? The message was given to Amma and She said, “Yes.”

Our distressed phone conversations to Rishi and Pappu (Ajay) finally reached Harsha, who connected us to the Dr. who then “prescribed” the O2 here, as well as introduced us to the non-narcotic pain killer… struggling with phones, contacts, etc., Anni had a first dose of the pain killer - a skeletal muscle relaxant at 5:45PM the next day on the 20th. At 6:15 pm Anni inhaled the O2, and was asleep in 2 minutes. Alarmed at her sudden stillness, we tried to wake her, and she woke briefly, telling us, “Oh, this is so nice, I feel so relaxed….I can breathe” then fell asleep till the morning… Link and I both noticed that for the first time, we felt like we were able to breathe as well….her need for sleep seems so tremendous that even attempts to wake her up the next morning took nearly 45 minutes. Sedated by both the drug and the need for deep sleep, she as not been able to communicate, or finish her sentances clearly…..This caused us great concern, and we sent frantic messages to Amma. We were told She heard, but made no response. For us, it is enough if She knows.

We feel an urgent need to encourage people to do all that they feel they can do, to create awareness and prayer for Anni. One friend in the DC area told me she planned to print out a page of the blog, and leave copies in public places, like libraries….another told me she was contacting the Carmelite Nuns in NY who do 24 hour prayer…. another that he was telling everyone he met in the stores…however you do it, either by sitting quietly, or by carrying your concern out into the environment of other’s hearts…however, please, let us all pray more now, more intensely, more sincerely…..

From here, I cannot do much. Ideas come, but, frankly, we are so caught up in the moment to moment with Anni…it wasn’t until today, mid morning, that I learned it was Thursday, from our dear Ammu, who called from India and sang a song to Anni…..one idea was that over internet, groups of people could form, and each make a pledge for praying a specific segment of time, everyone totaling a continuous 24 hours….and somehow, that becomes a group….and each person having the awareness of others also doing it would solidify the group conciousness….

Please, let us try more, each of us, however our highest lights guide us, let us be true to them now….please help us, let us keep Anni’s life on this earth, to add its beauty to the human harmony….

We cherish each and every one of you, more than you could possibly know. Pranaam of Soul to you all,

Loving you,

Kamala