A Tale of Grace

Dearest Friends and Family,

We must be in the dark days before the dawn. Spring is going on, the baby tender leaves are all unfolding in their adorable cuteness, but we are focussed inside, on Anni. We can expect no help from the best and most modern of Western medicine, it offers us no hope at all…yet, we cannot sit idle and do nothing. We must apply our common sense, and seek to help ourselves intelligently if God’s Grace will be there for Anni’s full recovery.    We have not been able to speak to Amma about the lack of medical options.  In trying to help ourelves, in the meantime,  we are begining the Gerson Therapy at home, and a beautiful soul, named Shirley Tice came to help us from California. Shirley, 69 years, is very skilled in caregiving for patients using the Gerson Therapy. That we were able to have her come, was purely God’s Grace. 21 years ago, Shirely had breast cancer and cured it using the Gerson Therapy. She is a living tribute to the power of the principles that this therapy uses for healing all sorts of diseases by addressing body deficiencies and toxicities. Her photo is in the photo album.

Yesterday at 10PM, in addition to all the horrible horrible pains Anni is having, a new one started after her 10pm coffee enema. Right in the area of the large kidney tumor. It raged in her all night, and still rages….According to the gerson therapy, this could be a healing reaction, as the bodies immune system begins to kick in, recognize the malfunctioning cells that appear as cancer or infection or scar tissue or virus, etc., and destroy them.
We all got up very early as sleep was impossible. When Shirley cane down in the morning, I was in the kitchen getting juices going. It is a great blessing, that thanks to the Gerson Therapy protocol, and Anni’s own internal committment to leaning on the laws of Nature, Anni is kept well juiced and fed with highly vital energizing foods. Despite the raging pain that is at this very moment seething in her frail body, Anni makes an effort to drink and eat.

When Shirely saw me in the kitchen, she began to say,’ I had a strange experience last night, I don’t know if I should tell you or not, I mean, its not my religion, and I don’t want to upset anyone.’ (my recollection of her words) I asked her what happened. Her story was wonderful to us, and completely normal, given our understanding of who our Amma is. As Shirley seemed very amazed by the experience, she has never met Amma before, I asked her to speak into our recorder, and she gave us permission to put her story up on this blog. This is a verbatim record of what Shirley said:

“My name is Shirley Tice and I am a caregiver for Anni. Umm…last night when I went to sleep I had a visit from Amma. I wasn’t sure if I was actually sleeping, it seemed like I was awake however, I think I was sleeping. When Amma appeared in my room  She didn’t open the door, She just appeared. She told me that Anni was going to be OK and then She was gone and I didn’t see Her leave. She was just not there, and as she was in the room, the room was like, filled with Her presence, it was awe inspiring, it was a very strange feeling, it was a very brief encounter. I do not know much about Amma, I haven’t studied Her teachings, and I was really blessed and honored that She would appear to me like that.”

We were of course happy to hear all this. Shirley has since called her son, who exclaimed, ‘that shows She is real!’…..Shirely said Amma was wearing white…she didn’t get time to observe her facial expressions. We frankly, for reasons unknown to us, were not so blessed. I know why, if we had seen Her, we would have hugged Her and not let Her go….If  You come only once My Lord, like that,  I will never let You go…Never let You go away….

Nevertheless, I feel Anni is now entering some sort of fire.  I can’t take my eyes off of her for long, for I see it coming, and do not know how to make it less terrible for her, how to ease her.  I have not seen her cry so helplessly in such pain before.  Her gentle eyes look at me with an innocent wonder that does not understand ‘why’, and there is no ‘why ‘ that we can understand.   That Amma appeared like this to Shirley, to reassure her,  makes me feel that the next few days might make us feel Anni is in extreme peril.  From now until Monday night, April 30, 2007,  we ask you to keep Anni in your hearts, to cry out to the Lord by whatever means that appeal to you, to end the madness  and disease in the heart of humanity.  I feel somehow, that when such selfless actions are performed,  along with small yagnas- sacrifices,wheter it be through a fast, or any other form of vountary self restraint,  that all of us will benefit, and in that blanket of benefit,  our Anni will receive solace and healing…. We  need your  sincere heart efforts, in whatever way you can,  Sunday, April 29 and Monday, April 30.  That will be one full rotation of our  earth.  Oh Amma!  End the madness in Anni’s body!  End the madness on this earth, Bring our hearts to the awareness of Your Great Presence within us, within all!

God Speed us All,  Loving you all, Kamala, Anni and Link

Dearest Friends and Family,

Pranam of soul to you All.

Spring has arrived here, with a burrst of balmy weather. With it, comes optimism. Desipte the grim present. We are so busy, trying to help Anni fight the pain, gain the nutrition….more diagnosis and results are in, this time from pathologists at Mayo Clinic…and again, they are indefinite in the type of cancer, with a poor prognosis.

It is something strange, that with each new horrible finding, each new shock and sinking feeling: like Anni has advanced state of cancer, like there is something abnormal in her mid-brain, like there is cancer on her liver now, like it is clear cell, then sarcoma, then TFEB, then…with each new heavy shock, undereath the sinking feeling that takes place somewhere in my heart, behind that, like the coming of spring, is somehow a feeling of relief. ‘Fine, you cannot help my daughter. Only the beautiful hands of God can. God Alone can help her. And God will!” Somehow, for us, we feel a relief. In the hands of medical doctors, we have no hope or very little according to them. In the hands of God, we have all hope. Our Amma is unlimited, modern medicine is extremely limited.

I don’t know why She has sent us to the Dr.s here. Of course, we see that many positive things have happened: the family has become more unified, there is the opportunity to be of service to my aged mother, we have become aware of the state of modern medicine and legal cancer treatment in the US - basically an experimental arm for the pharmeceutical industry….the approach of modern medicine resembles the modern society - immediate results of some sort, something on the symptom, instant gratification of some sort, but the larger, interconnected, interdependent picture, the course of genuine responsibility is neglected.

One of my great teachers in life, Dr. Joseph Elder,  a Beloved friend of all, and godfather of the children, came to see Anni,  during his recent visit to Washington, DC.  from the University of Wisconsin - Madison.   We were very touched.  He was only able to spare one hour from his busy schedule, and travelled over one hour to come see Anni.  From our beloved Joe-ji,  I have always been inspired to see the true purpose of education; to spread understanding, respect and mutual tolerance and good will.  Dr. Joseph Elder is a great light on this earth,  who inspires faith in the inherent capacity of the human individual to make it through the maze and muck of present day confusion in all realms and stratas of society, to go beyond the positioning and pettiness, to find a way to hold onto ones inner integrity, to find a way to offer the song in our hearts to one another.  It is Joe-ji, who has made Madison, WI the national resource center for South Asian Studies here in the USA….the list of his accomplishments on behalf of peace and human good will are numerous and endless…in his ’spare time’ he also takes time to visit those on death row and give them solace….we are putting his picture up on this blog so that all of you can see his radiant face.  We encourage you all to learn more about him, and if possible take the time to see one of his many films on different aspects of Indian life.

In the midst of all this, the Gerson Therapy by Dr. Max Gerson, stands like an unseen jewel. The basic premise of it, is the manifestation of spiritual healing on the physical level: Dr. Gerson saw that all illness in the body was due to two basic factors; deficiency and toxicity. The natural and scientific therapy he devised, addresses this basic platform. My brother said to the Dr. were were consulting with about the Gerson methods, ‘ You must have thousands breaking down the door, if these methods can work so well.” The Dr. said, ‘Actually, no. The Gerson therapy is the most invasive therapy of all. It invades peoples lifestyles, and that is something people don’t want to change. Food is entertainment, we entertain each other and ourselves with it. No one wants to give that up.’ I thought about this alot. Its very true. Like trying to live a God-focussed life, we turn away from that which keeps us apart from Her in our thoughts, from feeling Her in our heart. We automatically turn away. The television, movies, newspapers and magazines are very boring, a useless distraction. I think this approach to Anni’s healing, is going to transform all of us who are working with her at this time. We also are happily giving up food for entertainment. I know it is what Amma intends, despite the papadams and payasam and savory curries and sauces served in the ashram. We should learn to make our food our medicine, and our medicine, our food….and its very hard, given that we are all, no matter where we ilive on this earth, literally swimming in the deep pollution of our waters, air and earth….and nothing, anywhere is pure anymore….I guess thats why our Amma emphasizes, that we keep our thoughts and minds clean, its the only place left to us, given the circumstances….

Amma has always said, we have to give up the taste of the tongue in order to taste the heart…we are all getting this opporunity to do so here….Its amazing, we come to the US, to get ‘the best medical treatment’ as far as the ‘world’ understands it, and learn about the scientific efficacy of Kanji. When the very best that western medicine has to offer shows us a worse than empty hand, we learn about the healing possible through very close adherence to nature alone, through a scientific methodology….not nature extracted, but nature alone….And Amma is always telling us, Creation and Creator are one. I heard once that Amma has said, that we need even the grace of an ant to know God. We know that it is the grace of God, through all of Her beautiful creation, through all of you, through the exercise of our own common sense and listening to our hearts, through our Amma, that our healing of Anni lies.

These last few days have been very tough for Anni. She no longer walks outside, unless we press and press her, and then, very short distances. She refuses pain medications, we are trying all manner of other methods to relieve her…the pains start worsening each day by evening, The nights are racking. She moans, and calls out Amma, Amma, Amma repeatedly when they are so terrible. She tries to get away from us all in the evenings, to be alone and cry, but, we cannot bear it, so, although we know we harass her, we keep close…the other night, she was crying, and said to me, ‘Why can’t I see the Angels? Why can’t I see Amma?’ Another night, I was also crying, and pleading with Amma to help her….when I exhaust myself, I have to turn to all of you. One of my sons, Karthu, suggested that we hold another day of prayer and fasting. He wants one every week. We discussed this, and as Anni is not yet improving, feel we need to beat the bushes, and raise the chorus to our Lord, the All Pervasive, again. Your prayers, your effort are truely selfless. I pray, most probably out of fear of my own pain, who knows.  Deep down,  all mothers are selfish,  they want their babies whole, and well…. I am a mother, and cannot bear the thought of life without the flourishing babe….

So, please, let us know what you think.  We need another day of prayer and fasting for Anni and the Heart of Humanity.  We have to act fast.  I heard that Amma said intense prayer can heal even the parabdha of cancer….somehow our sweet innocent Anni,  is like the flower of purity in all our hearts…perhaps that is why we all feel her pain so…and the cancer in the heart of the beings on this earth? The cancer in our polluted minds?  .I know that your love, your effort,  are recorded in some Great Book, that I cannot read or even touch from where I am.  We know that we need your efforts.   I know that all efforts help not only us, but our whole planet as well….we need to do it within a weeks time….let  us hear your thoughts, and we will go from there..

With all our love,

Kamala

Dearest Friends and Family,

Yesterday was Vishu in Amritapuri. We heard Amma gave darshan in the big hall. We are grateful for each and every bit of news and story about Amma you may know. Vishu in Kerala is associated with beautiful yellow cascading flowers, not unlike the pink-purple wisteria in the US. Ususally, alot of these flowers are placed around Amma’s room.

Alot has happened. Last week we went to the Dr. that NIH recommended, and learned what is the best that modern scientific medicine in the USA can give us for Anni. Since “Unfortunately this is one of those cases where we don’t have a firm diagnosis” , Anni can be part of scientific experiments, called clinical protocols or studies, for new types of drugs. The first procedure the Dr. would do is remove her kidney and thereby get more samples of tissue. The Dr. recommended “opening a port” in her chest, through which drugs, blood samples and food could be had. Then, a week later, they would begin Chemo with new drugs, on new trials. The best of these trials have a 10% stabilization rate, which means that 10% of patients who are treated stabilize - or stop getting worse. It is not a cure.

Anni lost 7 pounds since the NIH experience, due to the drugs and narcotics, which prevented her from eating, overwhelmed her with nausea, and prevented the peristaltic action of her bowels. In reality, the pain medication alone was killing her very fast. After April 2, Anni took herself off the narcotics, and by the 10th of April said she felt that her head had finally cleared. The way pain is handled here seems strange to us - seperate from the cause…

We have learned a bit of the cancer statistics. I was not suprised to learn that 33% of all cancer patients in the USA die of malnutrtion, since the drugs have side effects like overwhelming nausea and impaired digestion. Of the 66% remainig, many die due to the treatment itself. Newspaper, magazines, and Health workers all acknowledge that there is a tie between the pharmaceutical companies and the US government, which prevents a lot of advancement in health care.

We have begun to approach the Gerson Therapy, started by Dr. Max Gerson. See www.gerson.org. This therapy has helped many people with all sorts of illnesses, including cancer and tuberculosis. It is a dietary therapy, with supplements and some injections, and enemas. It is based in giving the body intensive nutritional support via pure fruit and vegetable juices and detoxifying through coffee enemas. Even though we are not yet on the whole treatment, as we don’t have the potassium salts, liver and B.vitamin injections that are used, Anni ’s nausea has stopped. Whenever we do a coffee enema, she has a big reduction in back pain. Yesterday, for the first time since we came to the US, she requested food: and ate 2 chappattis and a bowl of boiled vegetables, with a small cup of yogurt/water mix. We were so happy, we all sat watching her eat, my tears flowed.

In addition to all of this, one of our Ashram sister’s living out here, made Anni’s situation known to a circle of energetic healers. One of them, in Hawaii, called and spoke with Anni. To make an amazing story short, Anni’s back pain was relieved for 2 hours, during which she slept. At night, particularly after 3AM, Anni has excruciating and racking pain. She wants to be held, or have her hands or feet pressed hard. Sometimes we press her legs. Our ashram brother staying with us has been a soul of selflessness to Anni at night, waking up at her least murmer, whimper or moan ( we are all camped out in the living room ) and pressing her hands for hours or holding her head. Both Link and I have showed ourselves unfit in this regard. Link staggars around and falls asleep while pressing her legs or feet, and Anni does not allow me to do any services at night as she wants me to rest. Later that night, Anni again had a bout of pain free relief for 2 hours. In the morning we found out that our Ashram sister’s healing friends were working on Anni during the night. So that was very sweet. And God’s grace to her, to have a brief respite.

How Anni is learning to handle the terrible pain is amazing. When the pain became horrible again, our ashram brother suggested Anni call the energetic healers. She declined, saying, it was Amma who made them help in the first place. What they can give is only temporary, it is Amma who has to do the real work. I was inwardly glad that despite excruciating racking pain that the most courageous would shrink from, Anni recognizes the true source of healing. 2 days ago, she told me that she had learned to force herself to go to sleep, despite the pain. It takes a hand to go behind the mind willing to transcend the agony of the body. Yesterday she told me that she had to identify with her soul and not the body. This we see in the shining example of our Mama Janice in California who despite wretched and diseased physical condition, is ever cheerful, peppy, and lovingly bright to all She meets. She gives her whole heart, as she is completely identified with her own heart, and not her body….

When I hold Anni, I am reminded our our beloved sweet Satyabhama, a dear friend at Amritapuri, living with her sister, Hemavati. Thin and bony, Anni’s body has that same very fragile feel. Satyabhama is a great and unknown jewel in the Ashram. She is blessed with a pure and benevolent heart, thinks only and constantly of Amma, loves small children, and has a spotlessly pure mind. Many people have viewed her as retarded due to her physical deformities, but we never found her so. She may actually have a slight form of autism, I don’t know. We found her to be very astute, punctual , absolutely sincere, and without pretence in any way…we miss her dear and well intentioned heart…its always a relief to be around someone, who is simply their own self.

Today is very windy, in an unnatural way. Very strong winds. Yet, life in this suburban setting goes on, as though untouched by the natural system it is in. Its very strange. Its like the medicine here. Anyhow, we have to go….Anni has a vigorous schedule of juices to maintain, I can’t really speak what is in my heart today…I know that We want and need your prayers, urgently, heart slitting prayers, for Anni’s physical recovery, to be able to spend her life in Amma’s physical service.
-Aunty Kamala and Link

Amma will soon be in Amritapuri.  I hope the darshan hut is clean, the cloths are washed, that the mosaics are sponged clean, that the back garden is blooming in beauty for Her…Geez, I wonder if the upper curtains needed washing?  everything should be dust free at all times, in case She walks in.  There may come the day that She comes home to the ashram unexpectedly, and Her room will not be ready, and She will need to lie down on the cot in the darshan hut…I don’t know who to appeal to  make sure it is  so, and there is nothing we can do about it here…its not only for our beautiful Lord,  dear brothers and sisters,  it is for Her thousands of children who will have no other hope of  being  in Her personal space but crave to be so in their hearts…I brought the new hand fans here to work on their edgings but have not had a moment to do so…I hope the fans….anyhow, we have to let all our works go, isn’t it?  I have never known what I could do for Our Beloved.  To all She gave some task, for us, there was only silence….but, it seemed like there was alot to be done in the  house of the ashram  anyhow….It was always my dream to see the Amritapuri Post Office, painted nicely, and loved up.  To see a beautiful  picture of Her secured to the wall there, the small grounds around kept clean and clear of rocks so tha natural grasses there could grow.  It was always nice to see a small stretch of green grass…and the sign with Her Sacred Name! The entrance to the Ashram… The sign should be clean isn’t it? I can’t bear it when there are droppings on her name…. The ground underneath planted with indigenous flowering plants, that no one wants, and that the chickens don’t like to eat….there is some light green with a yellow flower that grows wild around there…Maybe the sign could be painted…We should  somehow plant the sides of the main entrance road with that cow grass…it would grow up nice and green and just on the sides….and would be a lovely entrance to our ashram home….
It must be that the ashram is in the joyous fever of Her return, I cannot get these thoughts out of my mind.  We really have to figure something out for the juicestall garbage…maybe moving the whole stall to the side by the flats?I never knew who to speak to about these things….  so many small dreams were always there in us for so many different little aspects of the ashram….I’m sure we all have them….

Anyhow, my Lord, I hope Your path will always be clean before You, that where Your beautiful eyes rest will see the reflected orderliness and loving care of  Your children’s minds, that wherever your hands touch will somehow kiss Your fingers…

Our sweet Anni has been doing better since Prayer and Fasting Day, April 2/07.  She is in a little less pain, and today, one full week later, her brain has cleared significantly from all  the morphine meds which she stopped taking then.  She got up, and actually ate on her own accord for the first time, 2 times today.  She says she will eat more in a moment….But, the weight loss from nearly 4 weeks of being too sedated and nauseous to eat is having its toll…The nodules in her lungs seem to be growing, and she has excruciating pain in her chest and back..  Her breathing is labored.  The last three days, Anni has not felt able to walk slowly down to her river log, and instead has opted for a nearby field where the ground is flat and causes less problem to her back to get there….Just now, she sits on the couch softly singing , for the first time in weeks, “Varalunna Hriydayatil” ….I remember how I could always hear her coming to the flats, singing sweetly,  enjoying the sound of the accoustics in the hallways….

The doctor called us today and said that after all this time and tests, some of which - for TB  will not be in for several more weeks, or months -  that this is one of those situations where the ‘diagnosis is not completely firm’.  We understand.  They don’t know what it is.  There is a plan to put Anni in a protocol for a cancer which is probably similar in some respects to what she has, but which is not what she has.  The bottom line is, they don’t know, they want to help, and close is the best they can offer, when, it may not be ‘close’ at all, for the Lord has asked 3 times now, Is it TB?

We feel this is all somehow, Her great blessing to us.  We have other options which make alot of common sense to me, to persue.  First of all, there is the liver issue.  Anni got hepatitis A ( we assumed) in May 2002.  The yellow never left her hands or feet, which are still bright yellow.  After we tried a Chinese liver/gallstone flush  last summer, we got the yellow tinge that had remained in her face out,  but not out of her hands and feet.  The tests at NIH have all shown her liver and even the kidney with the tumor to be functioning normally.  But, as her mother, I have always known  that the liver is not.  I have hoped against hope that time would change that,  what with youth, growth, etc., but it has not.  Additionally, due to the malfunctioning of her liver,  Anni has not been able to absorb the nutrients from the food.  Both were on the same  diet, Link was managing, Anni was not.  For years.  Her hair stopped growing a few years ago.  I remember, I cut off the last six inches which were touching the back of  her legs.  And the hair never grew back.  It became thinner.  when she became anaemic,  we  put her on iron tablets, and there was no improvement.  It was obvious to me that her body could not absorb the nutrients.  But I didn’t know what to do.  I made stern aggreements with the children to drink more milk.  I upped our milk purchace from 2 or 3 packets a day to 6 and 7.  We made curd,  I pushed milk.  In the flat, I bought godumba sooji,  cracked whole wheat, and pushed that.  We tried to eat raw tomatoes and cucumbers whenever possible.  Eggs.  But, while there were some small improvements, nothing stuck….

For me, one avenue we need to go down now, before the dark road that we are being ushered into, without a clear diagnosis,  is the avenue of intense nutritional build up and detoxifying her liver.  Her liver needs help, and then, I think it will be able to help clean up the blood that goes through it.  Did you know that all the blood in the body circulates through the liver every three minutes? If  her liver is not in tip top shape how can her blood be?  NIH tests showed her liver to be functioning normally.  But this is on a bell curve,  which still does not account for the yellow palms and feet, and lack of nutrient absorption.  It makes me realize that the word ‘functioning’ can have generous parameters.  T here are many different directions go in persuing nutritional build up and liver cleansing..   Because Anni is so depleted, so sick, I do not feel that I can adquately build her up at home,  with a juicer,  etc.  We need to be in an environment that is totally dedicated to building Anni up, and nothing else.

In researching all of this, we have learned many new things.  Did you know that in the United States it is against the law to treat cancer in any other way than through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy?  A law maker recently had to go outside the US to avail himself of  alternative therapies for his own cancer,,  and now, there is a thrust in’clinical research’ in many different methods of treating cancer.  The USA is actually about 75 years behind the rest of the world in preventive medicine and health care, now ranking about 37  among the nations in health care, the first rank, I think going to the netherlands….We saw a trial in Virginnia, documented on internet, where a 15 year old boy had to go to court in order to persue his health choices that were not radiation, chemo and operations.  The court found his parents to be in willfull neglect, gave custody of the boy to both the state and his parents, then, finally, common sense prevailed, and they allowed him to go back  out of the country to the clinic offering alternative methods to treat cancer.  For me, a sad part of this is a medical education which increasingly trains doctors  to see the body, the mind, pain, symptoms,  diet, all as relatively unrelated entities.  The development of big business out of the bodies of the helpless.  Big business for more and more drugs to keep an absolutely bizarre lifestyle that is separated from nature and from our very bodies going.  And education that backs it all up, teaching us not to think, not to be part of the natural world, or to use our own common sense….anyhow,  enough, we all know it, we can only stop it by cooperating with what we know is better,  trying to bring the humanity into it….I suppose…Only our Amma has the answers for this….I just pray that She is guiding our minds now…

So , we are  not waiting any longer, nor can we afford to.  Common sense tells me, that in the days that are passing, is our time for beginning healing.  We are looking into facilities that will assist us in building Anni’s body up with intense nurtition and liver cleansing.  We have written to Amma via Lakshmi and Gautam, and hope to hear her advice soon.  We have to do what we can do,, not sit passively by, trying to help Anni ‘manage her pain’, trying to push fat foods, to ‘bulk her up’ when she cannot digest them, and they sicken her further….we need to build her up and cleanse the liver intelligently….we need help, help that my own country does not allow to practice here.

I t is a great blessing that Anni is 18 years of age, and can take her own decisions in the medical world, and because she is legally an adult, people have to hear her wishes.  A few years before this time, would be a terrible circumstance for us.

Well, our lives are in a greater hand than our own, thank God, we have to keep vigillante, we have to keep trying…please continue your hearts sincerest prayers for Anni, for the light of truth and reason in our minds, for Her Grace upon us in every respect…. for those of you in the ashram,  please don’t forget us when the intensest of intense joys is upon you and with you all again,  please remember us to Her….Loving you, Kamala, Anni and Link

Dear Friends and Family,

Our Photo Albums are finally up!  Click here for more..

Anni & Co

Dearest Friends and Family,

We know you are all eager to hear about the Prayer and Fast day for Anni and the Heart of Humanity, April 2, 2007,  one full rotation of planet Earth. We are eager to hear how it was for each of you as well.

Here, on Sunday, April 1, Anni was under the additonal burden of pain killers. These pain killers do not stop or ‘manage’ pain, but they can take the cutting edge off of some of it. However, Anni has always noted that they don’t work at all on some of her worst pains. Last Thursday, after having consulatations with the Pain and Palliative team Doctors at NIH, Anni was put on a fentenil patch. I’m not sure of the spelling. Its this little envelope containing morphine that is taped against her skin for 72 hours, then changed. The narcotic gets into the fat layer of the body and is released that way into the blood stream… After Thursday, she became heavily sedated. To the point that she could not get up to eat or drink. When she did, she became overwhelmed with nausea. This is due to the effect of the narcotics. They make you totally nauseated, and they completely sedate the nomal internal movements in the body, like the bowel. To overcome these side effects of nausea, lack of appetite and constipation, other drugs are given. In a very real sense, the measures to control the pain become a great burden on the organism. As it is, Anni is very sensitive to all these things, which are targeted to a ‘normal’ or average research findings.

By Saturday, Anni was struggling to stay awake to eat and drink. When she did, she felt nauseous. Twice on Saturday, morning and night, She vomited.   We also attended the Washington-D.C. Amma satsang,  which was very nice, but Anni was quite weak, unable to eat, and we left early.  People were very supportive and loving.  On Sunday, having not passed her bowels, she took a drug called lactulose solution around 2PM. By 5pm her bowels were passing. We changed the patch as instructed, and she began to profusely vomit for all of Sunday night, and until 10:30 AM of our Prayer and Fasting Day, April 2. The Pain Team called in the early morning, and said to take off the patch. Thankfully, I learned about a children’s anti nausea medicine, which a friend brought from the store, and we administed that to her. Thus, by 10:30, the nausea stopped, and Anni began slowly to drink. She took one more of the hydro-morphone pills, and it sedated her. She then decided not to take any more of the narcotics. Since then, she has improved greatly in eating, drinking, passing bowels, etc. She is more alert, and can communicate to us what is happening. She still takes the other medications for nausea, and ibuprofen for the bone pain.

As a result of this aspect of April 2, we are looking into other methods to deal with the pain. Before I discuss that, I wanted to tell you about the spiritual aspect of April 2. Of course, we cannot discuss everything. The ways of the heart are too deep and mysterious to clothe in words, but, I must say some things.

You won’t believe it, but on Sunday night itself, here, which would have been Monday early morning in India, I literally saw flashes of light coming through the walls into the room. I saw the flashes going on continually outside the room through the window. It was like multiple and continuous camera flashes. Now, I’m not a person, who ’sees’ these things. I prefer to think I am more practical and down to earth. But there it was. I knew it was because of the prayers going on in India for Anni. Nonetheless, I didn’t have much time to concentrate on it, due to the vomitting and pain that Anni was experiencing.

Monday, we got a call from our friends in Pune, who told us that a man had come to them and said that if I, the mother, would offer prayers to Anni at a Christian Church one mile from my home, it would help. We looked on google , and found a Lutheran Church near by. In the evening, around dusk time, Link and I went, with Uncle Jeff, as Anni was too tired from all the vomitting, and had just begun to keep liquids down.

Amazingly, the whole Church was open. We went in, and thankfully, saw no one, but were able to walk right into the sanctuary - where people sing bhajans, pray and listen to satsangs - and no one else was there either. Sometimes, it is hard to talk with people. I don’t like hearing myself say, ‘My daughter has an advanced state of cancer”. How can She get better if I keep having to think that? It was a kind of blue-ish green-ish room, with blue curtains. There was a pit of sand near the entrance. I wrote OM and Anni in the sand. It took me a minute to find the cross. Link and I sat on the floor near the Cross, and Uncle Jeff took a chair. We pranaamed . A state of deep and intense concentration came over me. I felt like I was in the presence of several beings, Perhaps I should not say too much, but I remember, that Amma has always said, the Guru is greater than God.

I remember a story She told once: There was a time that Sage Narada was strolling about on the earth, checking out the happiness and concerns of the earth beings. In the course of his travels, he came accross a couple that longed to have children. They beseeched him to ask Lord Vishnu ito bless them with children. He agreed, and made a mental note of the situation, the couple, details, location, impressions, etc. He continued touring. Just as he was begining to feel deep pangs of seperation, and had decided to end his earth visit, he came accross another couple, who were also childless , and begged him to intercede with Vishnu on their behalf. He listened with wonder and sympathy, and added their plea to his collection of mental notes and left. Once he was happily esconsced at the Feet of the Lord, drunk with the bliss of looking at him and being saturated with his presence, the Lord asked him for his report. Narada began speaking, and when he got to the first childless couple, The Lord blinked. Narada smiled to himself, thinking of their impending joy. When he concluded his reports with the second childless couple, the Lord’s countenance took on a dark look, and He said, “Those people! No way. They will not have children in this life. They abused their children in their past life, messed up their minds, made their lives hell, beat them continually….they don’t get children this life.’ Narada heard it all serenely, and began to strum his tamboora and sing to the Lord. After a few years, the Lord said, ‘Narada, go, take a tour, see how the people are, I am hearing calls of sufferings.’ Again, Narada went down to earth. He came accross the first couple, who had small children crawling all over them, in a lovely family pattern, filled with love and joy. They thanked him for his intercession. Near the end of his tour he found the other couple, and seeing their house off in the field, braced himself for the bad news he had to tell them - No children, this life. As he got close to the house he saw three children frolicking about. He asked them who their parents were. From them, he understood they were the children of the luckless couple. He went up to the house in some steam, and asked, ‘how did you get children?’ The beaming and happy couple told him, A few months afther you left, a revered Saint passed this way, and gave us his blessing to have kids! And so…” “Narada went back to Lord Vishnu. As soon as he got the opportunity he asked, “My Lord, How come those people got kids when You said, No Way?” The Lord said, “how did they say they got them?| Narada said, “Their Guru blessed them.” “Ah,” replied the Lord, “I am powerless in the face of the will of My Saints.”

So, while I cannot really describe what seemed to be going on in the Church, I know that Amma is Our refuge. I remember once, in Chennai, outside Her room, I somehow saw Her, and ran and pranaamed at Her feet. She was talking to someone. Her mantle - half-sari shawl piece fell over my head. I had the most profound and comforting feeling of security, and knew what it must feel like being a little chick under a Mother Hen…Sigh. Those were our glory days with You, my Lord, to sweep and mop and ever think of Your feet, hands, eyes, nose, with Glad and Joyous hearts. Surely, Joy should have a place in this world, is it not? Surely, Joy can help to lift the darkness here….Surely joy has a role in bringing balance and dharma? Our greatest Joy has always been to be united in offering small services to You….Surely, You will be pleased to receive them again?

We learned of many people who fasted some of whom I was convinced were conplete atheists.  I know that everyones effort has made an impact on the ether it must have, otherwise we live in a stone universe, and that is not so…For me, Anni’s eyes look better,  the sedated look is gone.  The pain keeps her restless, as she is unable to be comfortable in any position….Today, Tuesday,  She has eaten almost normally:  a bowl of oatmeal, fresh squeezed carrot juice,  milk, a gatorade - which has electrolytes - a product called ‘boost’ which is high calorie and protein and nutrition drink,  a 1/2 veggie cheeze sandwich, etc.  If She can eat a little something more, and a little more after that, I will feel better…as I write this, she has just now gone to rest.  The pain was very bad last night, for some reason, it is really wicked bad around 3AM onwards in the mornings…and She had tried walking, massage, sleeping in the chair,  the floor, etc. So didn’t sleep much last night.

So, that was our Day of Prayer and Fasting, which for us, ended after Anni ate on April 3.  I don’t know if we are through it yet, but for certain, there was a headway.  I remember, at the Ashram, in all the Ayurveda treatments,  it starts with a Purge.  Well, Anni purged from Sunday till Monday morning,  and we are on a new leaf, as we strive to do without the heavey narcotics.  Link has noticed that she has more will power since the Prayer Day.

Tuesday night, Dr. Phil, a Naturopath and Chiropractor, whom we met at the Satsang came by with a friend, Lalita.  Phil had lost his wife to Cancer last November.  Both of them worked on Anni energetically, and aterwards, Anni was able to get up off the couch without assistance, and walk more normally.  They recommended Castor Oil, and Vitamin C Therapy which has been found very helpful in some cancers.  We did  the Castor Oil pack on Anni, which she found to help a little.  It is all Her Grace, as one door closes for us, another opens…  Anyhow,  lets not give up,  lets all keep trying.

For those who are internet familiar, there is a thread on orkut.com in the Amma/Mata Amritanadamayi Devi community  entitled:  Urgent prayers needed for saving life of Amma’s Child.  To access this, you have to have an orkut account.  Those are findable at www.orkut.com

Hopefully we will soon have a photo gallery up  on this site with photos of Anni.

Our hearts are One in Her,

Loving You all, Kamala, Anni  and Link

Dearest Friends and Family,

Tommorow is our day of combined effort and penance.  What inspired us to take this step, to call for the use of the fast,  was Kimberly, a 16 year old angel, we met at NIH.  Her medical history is complicated, but not cancerous.  Most recently,  Kimberly had a huge benign tumor on her brain stem removed surgically.   It was a very dangerous and lengthy operation, in the end, her lungs collapsed requiring drastic emergency surgical procedures to revive them.  We had tried to see her before, but she was in the Critcal Care unit, no visitors were allowed.

On Thursday, when we went to NIH for the meeting with the Pain and Palliative care team Doctors,  we got to talk with Kimberly and her Mother who is staying with her in the hospital.  Her mother is tremendously brave and remarkable.  I was astounded to learn not only about Kimberly’s condition, but also of her own.  She has only ½ of one kidney left, the other and parts have already gone to cancer.  The family is Mormon.  The day that Kimberly was due to have the brain stem surgery,  her entire youth group in their Mormon Church of Latter Day Saints in Southern California,  took a fast and prayed mightily for her relief.  Although they nearly lost her at the time of the operation,  God’s Grace was there, and her prognosis now is good.  In a few months, she will be leading a normal  life.

I saw that the fast adds tapas to the support and power of prayer.  I know our Lord Amma loves tapas.   Another dear young friend of ours recently lost her father by heart attack.  He was a very great, simple and sincere man. He was righteous and dutiful.  There was no stain anywhere in his pure character. He lived his life to please God.   He often helped with the darshan Q when Amma was in the Ashram.  Whenever he was in Vallicavu,  he would never take his meals or eat or drink tea even, if Amma was giving darshan.  We all know Her darshans often go well over 12 hours.  His family became aware of his silent and secret tapas, and always kept food aside for him.  But no one else knew.  After he passed, when the family spoke to Amma, She said, “He would never eat or drink until I had finished with Darshan and gone to the room.” In India, tapas, penance, is the law of life in many respects. Amma has often said, that all life is in some form of sacrifice.

In thinking more about the role of this Fast in this effort for Anni and for removing the disease in the heart of humanity,  I was drawn to some of the earlier comments from Gandhi, whom I studied earlier.  I have learned that many people, for reasons beyond my understanding, do not regard Gandhiji  with the same love and admiration that we do.  I will forever be in awe of this great brother amongst us, who to me, is a Sadhak, a spiritual aspirant beyond reproach.  Whether or not he attained his goal, is to me irrelevant compared to the example that his sincere effort and struggle  to do so gives us.  In looking over my notes on Gandhiji and his use of the Fast, I felt the following expressions he made about it might be useful for reflection tomorrow:

First is the universality of the concept of the fast to the human psyche:

“Whist I regard Jesus to be one of the greatest religious teachers, I do not believe in his exclusive divinity.  You will be surprised to know that my belief in fasting as a form of intense prayer began before I knew anything of the teachings of Jesus.  But when I came to read the Bible, the Koran and other Scriptures, my position was further fortified by the knowledge that they advocated fasting as a help to heartfelt prayer and communion with God.”[1]

Its universality shows its rooted-ness in spirituality which is devoid of cultural and social conditionings:.  “Fasting for the sake of unfoldment of the spirit is a discipline I hold to be absolutely necessary at some stage or other in the evolution of an individual.”[2]   Ultimately Gandhi saw that “Fasting is merely a prop.  But as a prop to a tottering structure is of inestimable value, so is the prop of fasting of inestimable value for a struggling soul.[3]   We feel we are struggling.  Deeply struggling.

In that we are all, as indivisible parts of Creator and Creation, deeply married, as it were, to each other, and all that exists with us, to the air, the waters, the web of interdependent life,  using the fast selflessly helps to clear out the dross in our hearts, the indifference in our hearts towards the Reality of our Relations with everyone and everything:  Gandhi noted: “It is of no use without a living faith in God.   It should never be a mechanical effort or a mere imitation.  It must come from the depth of one’s soul.”[4] The fast is, “A whip administered to lethargic love.”

Ultimately and immediately, I see that the fast, as with any service, prayer or effort, offered to our Precious Lord Amma, our Holy Mother,  ends up being beneficial to us individually.  It is we who gain and grow the most from these efforts, even though we may perceive them as being for “the Other”.  They are between us, as individuals, and our Maker within and without us.

Gandhi was acutely aware that his epic fasts, which the world perceived to be ‘for’ this or ‘against’ that, were a personal matter.  He said,

“I wish to say in all humility that my fasts and other ordeals are inspired by the desire to see God face to face.  I fast in order that, even if I go without food altogether, I may have a glimpse of God such as I have described.  But one cannot force oneself to undertake a fast.  One must have fitness even for a fast.  I am constantly striving for such fitness.  But it is possible that I may not acquire it in this life and may even die ingloriously.”[5]

For us, always, we only have Amma.  We do not know what or why Anni is suffering so greatly, or why, when all of us crave the tenderness and sweetness of love that we are ever snobby or unkind to each other.  For us, this is an appeal to That Principle that is our Amma.

This quote from Gandhi describes it for us: “It is a matter between me and my Maker…I am wrestling with Him!  If there is pride or defiance in me it is all over with me…Let God keep this body if He has still to make some use of it.  Let it perish if it has fulfilled His purpose.”[6]

Gandhi used fasting not only as prayer, but as preparation for greater identification with his soul, and the exercise of his spirituality: “I must undergo personal cleansing.  I must become a fitter instrument able to register the slightest variation in the moral atmosphere about me.  My prayers must have much deeper truth and humility about them than they evidence…there is nothing so helpful and cleansing as a fast accompanied by the necessary mental cooperation.”[7]

For myself, I know that this fast is an assist in helping me to touch that core of sincerity within that brings me to Her Feet.  I pray that all of our small and great efforts tomorrow, no matter what they be, will pierce the darkness surrounding our earth, will touch the great heart of humanity, of God, a bring a big change into all our lives.

“Try it, for we can never truly estimate the strength of the soul until we have ceased to defend it by bodily means.” - Gandhi

- Kamala

References:

[1] CWMG 55:260-261. July 9, 1933.  Age 63.  – Alstair Macrae

[2] CWMG 31:319 August 20, 1926. Age 57 – Ester Faering.
[3] CWMG 31:319. August 20, 1926.  Age 57 – Ester Faering.

[4] P.54 Mohan Mala. Harijan March 18, 1939 Age 69.

[5] CWMG 34:93.  July 2, 1927. Age 58 – Santoji Maharaj.

[6] CWMG 22:182-184. September 19, 1924 Age 54. Discussion with Shankat Ali.

[7] CWMG 22:419. CWMG 22:419. Young India Febrary 16, 1922 Age 53.