A Tale of Grace

Dearest Friends and Family,

The Lord is coming to San Ramon in 9 days, we gotta be there. I feel certain Anni’s life will be saved if we can only make it there. In 2003, when Amma had told us to come to the US to get the children’s highschool diplomas, it was fall going into winter. The days were grey and cool, then cold. It was the first time we were connecting back to blood relatives in over 10 years. At that time, there was no support of any kind for our going to see our Only Own in San Ramon, but, by God’s grace, we went anyhow. We got a hotel room about 6 miles from the ashram, and were able to go to all the programs, except the retreat, since we didn’t have enough money.

This time, we have all the support to go. By Grace, a lovely hotel suite has been arranged, flight tickets made, a friend who is really family is going to loan us her car, our Gerson Person - Shirley Tice, leaving here this Friday, will meet us there, June 2 with her juicer, and meet the Amma she saw in her room. Shirley said to me, “I wonder what Amma will say to me, I mean, its not the first time we are meeting!” We have tix to LA and a room in the hotel where Amma will be staying. Its a dream come almost true. The only aching burning question in my mind, is….can Anni hold out till then and make the trip? Its 6 hours by air from here….Her heart shows little sign of letting up the pounding….she is so weak somedays that she cannot speak out loud. Walking to the bathroom is her maximum activity, as she lies, most of the day, fighting pain, headache, nausea, heart problems, etc. WE GOTTA GO! AMMA IS OUR ONLY HOPE FOR ANNI! O LORD! BY YOUR GRACE MAKE IT POSIBLE FOR US TO BE WITH YOU IN SAN RAMON!
Recently, in just the last few days, Anni has developed all these plumbing pipe problems. When she coughs now, it sound like she is vomiting. There are gurgles of all sorts that she never used to make. Her chest, after 5 months of difficulty breathing, has become enlarged in a wierd way - looking barrel-ish….Her spine, after so much pain and inactivity is in the shape of a ‘C’. These days, when she drinks, it often goes down the wrong pipe, which leads to bouts of long, intense coughing, which because she is so weak, does not clear out her throat fast…. then, the coughing turns into vomiting, and all the food, put in to help, comes out….

WE GOTTA MAKE IT TO SAN RAMON! WE GOTTA GET TO AMMA! O dear Lord, please make it possible for us to be with You there! This is our only mantra. Everything we know hangs on this - to get to our only real doctor, while Anni still can.

Each day here is a battle against odds that seem so against us. Things are much worse than when Rishi and Anand were here. Anni is so weak now, her body so tired from the pounding heart…all the little zillion complications….the only thing that can save her, is HER. We have always known this, but here we are. Out here.

This time, when we came here, it was still winter.. The hospital days were cold and grey. Now spring is edging into summer and, still we are in a terrible winter. Do you not have need, or use, or wish, O Beautiful One, for this little buttercup to be by Your Side? Anni is a lily of the valley in the wild, wild garden of my Lord…..

I have to say something about archanas. For those of you who know my attendance record in the ashram, and worry for my soul….We are very grateful that archanas are being done with such enthusiasm for Anni. Definitely, we can see that they affect her, and it is positive in everyway. The names of God are powerful. Yet, we do not do archanas around a bedside unless that person is very sick, isn’t it? When one sees a person surrounded by people chanting archana softely, there is a sense of the person leaving, isn’t it? A few days ago, Anni refused to eat. It is a problem with advanced illnesses. The body wants to shut down, and medical anorexia develops. If it continues, the patient soon dies from the complications of malnutrition. It was during this time, as Anni was leading up to a no food day, by eating less and less each day, that she began wanting to hear archana. That particular day, she also wanted the drapes closed, so the light in the room was darker….

I tried to cooperate, but, finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I said, you are not here to slowly die! You are here to Live! Live! And I opened up all the curtains, the windows, and sent for funny movies…..Link and I began a heavy campaign which we are still continuing to encourage her to EAT. For this we are grateful for the Gerson Therapy’s emphasis on food. Anni has to drink 13 /8oz (250ml) of fresh squeezed juices a day, plus 3 meals….plus snacks….although she picks like a bird - ever her eating style, encouraged by her finding so many insect abdomens and wings in the kanji curries - despite the body’s desire to shut down, curl up and die, the requirements of the Gerson Therapy and its high nutrition, are, so far, by the Grace of God Alone, keeping her going….nothing can save her but Amma though, for there are too many things going wrong….

We had to work on the medical directives and medical power of attorney forms with Anni. Its hard work, and we still have to get them notorized. Even so, it is unlikely that in an emergency situation, Anni’s wishes regarding her body will be recognized….Perhaps she did not really understand that what is happening here is a terminal illness….then there is a status called ‘end stage condition’ which we are not at yet….but hearing about it all, I think has made her more determined to fight. Its hard. Listening to yourself, vs. listening to the illness in yourself…..which can seem like yourself…..nasty, pernicious, deceitful things are degenerative illnesses!

Please, Please, Please send her all your prayers for locomotion and strengh to make it to the presence of Amma!

Amma is our only refuge, for our lives, for Anni!

Loving you All,

Kamala Aunty  PS  I’ll ask Link to post a photo of Rishi and Anand and Pankaj who visited last week..

Dearest Friends and Family,

So much keeps happening. I want to write many a little thought or experience, but, do not have the time. We cannot take our eyes, minds, or hands away from Anni for long, nor do we want to. For those of us who have had the opportunity to be with Anni and serve her in small ways, there is a burning eagerness to do so. Many times, when helping her in the personal things, like enemas, showers, dressings, etc. I often think of Lakshmi who lives with Amma, and feel I am being given an understanding of what it must be like to serve the Lord in those small ways, when She is in so much pain. I have sat in some programs in a position far above the stage where I could have an almost birds-eye view of the Lord giving darshan. It was a painful viewing. There was not one minute that went by where our Amma was not pounded, bonked, her thighs used as a support for tremendously overweight people to raise themselves up from her embrace, or her flesh cluched hard on her back, sides, or Her cheeks dug by people intending to give her a love pat, in that desperately short moment of time… never mind the hair pulls, the whacks to her face and lips by heads….the sharp bangle edges…the line of human prisperation gummying up her lips and gown….Seeing that, I always wished She could have healing silence after Darshans, that after all that, ALL watching Her return to Her room would realize how aching and sore her physical form must be! She gives Herself in all those touches, but at what tremendous cost! It seems not many are aware however, and even on the way back to Her room She is clutched and pounded by devotees.

In the face of Anni’s great and intense pain, this must be like serving Amma in those times. At least, we feel it so. In the face of such tremendous self sacrifice, there is no room for any ego display from us. We only want her peace, her relief, her ease in any way. No matter what she says or does. Her irritation with our out of tune-ness with her, by which we cause her more ignorant pains - So must it be to serve the Lord after her heavy Darshans….This whole thing - Anni’s health and suffering, feels like a self sacrifice on her part, to me. She has made the decision to bear with all the pain as conscioiusly as possible. Despite the intensity of it all, she is so pure, sweet and good in all her actions and intentions. Because her mind is based in simplicity and purity, people often oerlook her voice, which in retrospect is wise and to the point and we are the most guilty ot this. Daily, I see how through this situation, our Lord is giving me opportunities to sharpen my shraddha and attunement - which is really about letting go of what I think, and opening fully to what is happening….what is happening, in the present, is always God, but I often don’t see it, intejecting the small self….our children are always our most profound teachers.
Our Anni is in so much pain, it burns all of us. there is nothing we can do to relieve its constancy. Its wearing on her is scaring us horribly…we understand why people want to see their near and dear loved ones out of pain, in anyway possible…it is unbearable to see the exhausting effects on her form….the weakness, sleeplessness, etc. She still refuses to take the narcotics that could break the mind -body connection and give her ‘relief”. She says, its not relief, they make her head out of sorts and so sick….

At the same time, Anni seems to be deeply attuned to all the efforts going on to help her. Recently, some people in CT, held a spontaneous satsang for Anni. During this time, outwardy unknowing of it, she fell asleep here. Nowadays, she reuests us to chant the arhana, and gets very irritated with our lack of proper pronunciation, postures, speeds, etc. In all this, in everything from and with her, we are seeing and hearing Amma. And how can we let this precious one suffer more? O Lord! Shed Thy Mercy! Are You not compassionate? How is it You are bearing with her suffering?

All the Doctors, including the Gerson practioner in CA, have said that only God’s Grace, through a miracle can save her. Please ask your Divine Beloved, whoever or whatever it is, to shower MERCY on Anni, so she can sleep, so She can heal, and serve this world selflessly at Amma’s blessed feet. O Lord, this world has given up on Anni, have You? please shower your Mercy and Healing upon her! We have nothing and no one but You…You are the food, You are the fire….Brahmhar panam….

Pranaam of Soul to All of You, please keep up your prayers for Anni! Loving you, Kamala Aunty

Dearest Friends and Family,

Since I last wrote you, much has happened. Anni’s pounding heart beat has become a constant phenomenon. Pounding hard, day and night, her respiration increased to match….there came a point where the general panic was fairly terrible.

I called the Dr. who is our assigned medicaid physician, and his suggestion was to go to the emergency room. When I tried to get the issues of her heart pounding as related to her months of sleeplessness and intense pain, which keeps her from sleeping, he didn’t see any connection. He thought it is from a blood clot, and advised me in serious and admonishing tomes. Its been like this all along. My concerns about her experience with Hepatitis in 2002 are brushed aside, because tests via technology show a normally functioning liver. This despite the fact that there is a tumor on it! Despite the fact that her hands and feet are bright yellow! Same with the kidney test. The tests show normal functioning kidneys, and yet there is a huge tumor, considered the main tumor on one. This type of “modern medicine” is only producing people who are technology based and driven, who can ony presecribe drugs for the pharmaceutical industry. How sad that India should seek in anyway to emulate this system!

The problem with rushing Anni to the emergency room, is that it solves nothing, will stress her and exhaust her unnecessarily, and subject her to more gruelling tests that cannot connect the dots of her illness. The legal, educational and medical systems in my country are so intermeshed, that a person’s rights and wishes are literally taken away from them once they are intubated or enter an emergency room. Seeing her weakened state things can be done to her against her will. Anni was adamant that she was not going to the emergency room….all this was a few days ago, and we are still going on.

So, things have been pretty tense. We got a blood pressure pulse cuff, with which to monitor the goings on in her heart, it also shows irregular beats. We became even more alarmed. But, somehow, deep down, despite the panic of everyone around us, who care deeply for Anni, somehow, Link, Anni and I, felt only that we have somehow to ride out the storm, and things will change. Nonetheless, we found it difficult to resist the fear and panic in the minds around us. The Dr. who is the Gerson practioner for us, after receiving my worried call, called early the next day and spoke to Shirley, and said he could no longer be Anni’s practioner, as “she is beyond nutritional support”. I was amazed. Dr. Max Gerson took patients that had been dumped out of the medical hospitals, left to die, and resusitated them with loving care and nutrional support combined with detoxification. So, its very interesting, but really only points to the intense FEAR that everyone has. At one point, I was being told, “You will be legally responsible for not making sure that Anni got into the hospital….if she dies, there will be an investigation, people will see you as neglectful…” What this all showed us, was the usual attitude in human beings of rejecting opportunities for caring responsibility. No one wants to be sued, and this is a suing culture. Everyone wants to make sure their “behind” is safe, so to speak. So, the best way, if there is any doubt, is to dump the problem into the hands of those society holds to be ‘professionally responsible”. Then, if you die because no one could use their common sense and see connections, or you were overdosed with morphine, as Anni was earlier, or you are given poisons to zap your cancer, rather than meaningful and helpful ways to preserve and enhance the integrity of your body, then, no one is personally responsible, and somehow this is all seen as OK. Efficiency can have a very cruel edge it not springing from the heart….

Another thing is safety. People around me began to question if it is ’safe for Anni to be at home’. These are legalizing terminologies, that come from fear. If Anni is put into a hospital, no one needs blame themselves for what will be the miserable end of her life. Modern science will have done its best. surgeons will have done theirs. Will any of it have helped Anni? this safety issue, is one that is really bogging the country  down. People cannot allow their children to climb trees, or play outside in the snow for a day, or even allow children to touch and hug other children, because, “it may not be safe”. Out of this great concern for ’safety’ comes more and more fear.

As long as we don’t want to live our lives responsibly, we will need ever more powerful social structures around us, which will masquerade as taking that responsibility. We will need police near by, since we can’t and won’t police ourselves, extra programs and tuitions for school, and our children will spend all their time there, since we won’t be actively involved and supportive of their education, hospitals where we can have medical help for the common cold, and more drugs to help us live our unnatural lifestyles and cope with our sickened environment. In India, there was never a police force for social control, and still isn’t in the villages, which for time immemorial have resolved disputes and quarrels through personal and social pressures, rather than the nebulous and impersonal state. There were never creshes either, for mothers to leave their babies, while they assumed the double burden of making a home and earning an income. So what goes? The home and the well being of the babies, and the security of the society. And for some, these structures will be useful, to fill in the thinking and take action and ‘responsiility’ where they cannot.

When we first learned about Anni’s illness, I trusted the ‘modern science world like a child, hoping they would help her. As time when on, and the utter folly of the plans for her, plans that really did not take Anni’s whole situtaion into account became apparent. The lack of connectivity between the doctors, the medicine they prescribed and the environmental reality and totality of Anni’s body as a single organism, the lack of genuine wholistic vision, shocked us.

All of this has gone to show us that we have nothing and no one but our Precious Amma to help us. And for this we are grateful, and I believe, we have always known this. I do not know why we are having this experience. Only She knows what is supposed to be happening here. We can only carry on, through the fog….

This is a gripe entry. Sometimes, you have to get it off your chest. We hope we have offended no one. Hope all of you will be alert, and take your own health and healing and education into your own hands. Loving you, Kamala, Anni and Link