Serving Anni, serving Amma

May 23, 2007 Kamala Amma's Grace

Dearest Friends and Family,

So much keeps happening. I want to write many a little thought or experience, but, do not have the time. We cannot take our eyes, minds, or hands away from Anni for long, nor do we want to. For those of us who have had the opportunity to be with Anni and serve her in small ways, there is a burning eagerness to do so. Many times, when helping her in the personal things, like enemas, showers, dressings, etc. I often think of Lakshmi who lives with Amma, and feel I am being given an understanding of what it must be like to serve the Lord in those small ways, when She is in so much pain. I have sat in some programs in a position far above the stage where I could have an almost birds-eye view of the Lord giving darshan. It was a painful viewing. There was not one minute that went by where our Amma was not pounded, bonked, her thighs used as a support for tremendously overweight people to raise themselves up from her embrace, or her flesh cluched hard on her back, sides, or Her cheeks dug by people intending to give her a love pat, in that desperately short moment of time… never mind the hair pulls, the whacks to her face and lips by heads….the sharp bangle edges…the line of human prisperation gummying up her lips and gown….Seeing that, I always wished She could have healing silence after Darshans, that after all that, ALL watching Her return to Her room would realize how aching and sore her physical form must be! She gives Herself in all those touches, but at what tremendous cost! It seems not many are aware however, and even on the way back to Her room She is clutched and pounded by devotees.

In the face of Anni’s great and intense pain, this must be like serving Amma in those times. At least, we feel it so. In the face of such tremendous self sacrifice, there is no room for any ego display from us. We only want her peace, her relief, her ease in any way. No matter what she says or does. Her irritation with our out of tune-ness with her, by which we cause her more ignorant pains – So must it be to serve the Lord after her heavy Darshans….This whole thing – Anni’s health and suffering, feels like a self sacrifice on her part, to me. She has made the decision to bear with all the pain as conscioiusly as possible. Despite the intensity of it all, she is so pure, sweet and good in all her actions and intentions. Because her mind is based in simplicity and purity, people often oerlook her voice, which in retrospect is wise and to the point and we are the most guilty ot this. Daily, I see how through this situation, our Lord is giving me opportunities to sharpen my shraddha and attunement – which is really about letting go of what I think, and opening fully to what is happening….what is happening, in the present, is always God, but I often don’t see it, intejecting the small self….our children are always our most profound teachers.
Our Anni is in so much pain, it burns all of us. there is nothing we can do to relieve its constancy. Its wearing on her is scaring us horribly…we understand why people want to see their near and dear loved ones out of pain, in anyway possible…it is unbearable to see the exhausting effects on her form….the weakness, sleeplessness, etc. She still refuses to take the narcotics that could break the mind -body connection and give her ‘relief”. She says, its not relief, they make her head out of sorts and so sick….

At the same time, Anni seems to be deeply attuned to all the efforts going on to help her. Recently, some people in CT, held a spontaneous satsang for Anni. During this time, outwardy unknowing of it, she fell asleep here. Nowadays, she reuests us to chant the arhana, and gets very irritated with our lack of proper pronunciation, postures, speeds, etc. In all this, in everything from and with her, we are seeing and hearing Amma. And how can we let this precious one suffer more? O Lord! Shed Thy Mercy! Are You not compassionate? How is it You are bearing with her suffering?

All the Doctors, including the Gerson practioner in CA, have said that only God’s Grace, through a miracle can save her. Please ask your Divine Beloved, whoever or whatever it is, to shower MERCY on Anni, so she can sleep, so She can heal, and serve this world selflessly at Amma’s blessed feet. O Lord, this world has given up on Anni, have You? please shower your Mercy and Healing upon her! We have nothing and no one but You…You are the food, You are the fire….Brahmhar panam….

Pranaam of Soul to All of You, please keep up your prayers for Anni! Loving you, Kamala Aunty