San Ramon or bust

May 23, 2007 Kamala Amma's Grace

Dearest Friends and Family,

The Lord is coming to San Ramon in 9 days, we gotta be there. I feel certain Anni’s life will be saved if we can only make it there. In 2003, when Amma had told us to come to the US to get the children’s highschool diplomas, it was fall going into winter. The days were grey and cool, then cold. It was the first time we were connecting back to blood relatives in over 10 years. At that time, there was no support of any kind for our going to see our Only Own in San Ramon, but, by God’s grace, we went anyhow. We got a hotel room about 6 miles from the ashram, and were able to go to all the programs, except the retreat, since we didn’t have enough money.

This time, we have all the support to go. By Grace, a lovely hotel suite has been arranged, flight tickets made, a friend who is really family is going to loan us her car, our Gerson Person – Shirley Tice, leaving here this Friday, will meet us there, June 2 with her juicer, and meet the Amma she saw in her room. Shirley said to me, “I wonder what Amma will say to me, I mean, its not the first time we are meeting!” We have tix to LA and a room in the hotel where Amma will be staying. Its a dream come almost true. The only aching burning question in my mind, is….can Anni hold out till then and make the trip? Its 6 hours by air from here….Her heart shows little sign of letting up the pounding….she is so weak somedays that she cannot speak out loud. Walking to the bathroom is her maximum activity, as she lies, most of the day, fighting pain, headache, nausea, heart problems, etc. WE GOTTA GO! AMMA IS OUR ONLY HOPE FOR ANNI! O LORD! BY YOUR GRACE MAKE IT POSIBLE FOR US TO BE WITH YOU IN SAN RAMON!
Recently, in just the last few days, Anni has developed all these plumbing pipe problems. When she coughs now, it sound like she is vomiting. There are gurgles of all sorts that she never used to make. Her chest, after 5 months of difficulty breathing, has become enlarged in a wierd way – looking barrel-ish….Her spine, after so much pain and inactivity is in the shape of a ‘C’. These days, when she drinks, it often goes down the wrong pipe, which leads to bouts of long, intense coughing, which because she is so weak, does not clear out her throat fast…. then, the coughing turns into vomiting, and all the food, put in to help, comes out….

WE GOTTA MAKE IT TO SAN RAMON! WE GOTTA GET TO AMMA! O dear Lord, please make it possible for us to be with You there! This is our only mantra. Everything we know hangs on this – to get to our only real doctor, while Anni still can.

Each day here is a battle against odds that seem so against us. Things are much worse than when Rishi and Anand were here. Anni is so weak now, her body so tired from the pounding heart…all the little zillion complications….the only thing that can save her, is HER. We have always known this, but here we are. Out here.

This time, when we came here, it was still winter.. The hospital days were cold and grey. Now spring is edging into summer and, still we are in a terrible winter. Do you not have need, or use, or wish, O Beautiful One, for this little buttercup to be by Your Side? Anni is a lily of the valley in the wild, wild garden of my Lord…..

I have to say something about archanas. For those of you who know my attendance record in the ashram, and worry for my soul….We are very grateful that archanas are being done with such enthusiasm for Anni. Definitely, we can see that they affect her, and it is positive in everyway. The names of God are powerful. Yet, we do not do archanas around a bedside unless that person is very sick, isn’t it? When one sees a person surrounded by people chanting archana softely, there is a sense of the person leaving, isn’t it? A few days ago, Anni refused to eat. It is a problem with advanced illnesses. The body wants to shut down, and medical anorexia develops. If it continues, the patient soon dies from the complications of malnutrition. It was during this time, as Anni was leading up to a no food day, by eating less and less each day, that she began wanting to hear archana. That particular day, she also wanted the drapes closed, so the light in the room was darker….

I tried to cooperate, but, finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I said, you are not here to slowly die! You are here to Live! Live! And I opened up all the curtains, the windows, and sent for funny movies…..Link and I began a heavy campaign which we are still continuing to encourage her to EAT. For this we are grateful for the Gerson Therapy’s emphasis on food. Anni has to drink 13 /8oz (250ml) of fresh squeezed juices a day, plus 3 meals….plus snacks….although she picks like a bird – ever her eating style, encouraged by her finding so many insect abdomens and wings in the kanji curries – despite the body’s desire to shut down, curl up and die, the requirements of the Gerson Therapy and its high nutrition, are, so far, by the Grace of God Alone, keeping her going….nothing can save her but Amma though, for there are too many things going wrong….

We had to work on the medical directives and medical power of attorney forms with Anni. Its hard work, and we still have to get them notorized. Even so, it is unlikely that in an emergency situation, Anni’s wishes regarding her body will be recognized….Perhaps she did not really understand that what is happening here is a terminal illness….then there is a status called ‘end stage condition’ which we are not at yet….but hearing about it all, I think has made her more determined to fight. Its hard. Listening to yourself, vs. listening to the illness in yourself…..which can seem like yourself…..nasty, pernicious, deceitful things are degenerative illnesses!

Please, Please, Please send her all your prayers for locomotion and strengh to make it to the presence of Amma!

Amma is our only refuge, for our lives, for Anni!

Loving you All,

Kamala Aunty  PS  I’ll ask Link to post a photo of Rishi and Anand and Pankaj who visited last week..