What can I say?

May 7, 2007 Kamala Amma's Grace

Dearest Friends and Family,

Forgive our tardiness in posting letters. It is very busy here. I cannot say that Anni is improving, although I hope so. She moves much less. We don’t go for walks anymore. But, maybe, she should just be having bed rest…we always had to push her before.  She has gained a pound of weight, and, we hope that is good news. Her nights are pure torture and hell, it starts around 6pm everyday, and only gets worse through the night, and slightly better during the day, then back to another hellish night.. the build up of sleepless nights, racked with pain, and days with increasing pain, is having its toll..on her, on everyone….

We found out we may not be doing the supplements right, and are trying to get a blood test done tomorrow for the Gerson Practioner to examine…

The other Dr.’s in the NIH group decided finally that Anni has a very rare chromosomal cancer, called TFEB. I dunno. They think all kinds of things. Steve Fleischer is gone….its clear that the type of medicine offered by the American Medical Association is not for cure…it treats the body like my country treats other counties: Bomb them, and then act like it is not going to have an effect on the whole planet….or the whole country…When she spoke with the Dr., Anni told him she wanted him to come with her to meet Amma when Amma comes…but, he is off to a new job in Texas, so…the dreams of life go on…..

So. I don’t know what to say. We are always encouraged by dreams and positive ideas. We know Amma is greater than any fumbling effort that we can make, and that ultimately and immediately, we stumble along in ignorance, trying to do what is the best for Anni,  I fear often we frustrate and hurt her more than we know….

The intensity of her suffering and pain agonizes all of us.  We try all kinds of little things to help…but, today, nothing is working.  The last few days, nothing is working.  So, WHAT CAN I SAY?    There is no one to whom I can scream and shake…other than the Nameless One,  and knowing all,  we are nothing and no one with out Her,  and so, as She once said to me, “Who are you to advise Me?”  Her power,  Her laws, are absolute…we do not understand or know what direction we are in….

Lets see….positive things….

We really learn how to live in the present moment with all this.  And even so, is it the real present moment?  I don’t know…existential questions, reading, poetry, fine thoughts, exalted mind states,  springitme. politics, newspaper, movies, and trivial chatter,  all that is beyond our scope of understanding, experience and interst.  We are only – Now.  only – Anni.  only the straining to hear -Amma.  Birdsong is still interesting.,  is it Her voice?

So.  We need help.  We need all those who can, to go to Amma, physcially,  and tell Her, Amma!  keep Anni on this earth to be in your physical presence, to serve you, to inspire all those around You with the glory of Your Love and Joy!   We are not there to talk with  Her.    Can those of you who are near Her, do so?  Can we give up ouir shynesses, and all press the Lord?

Wherever you are, to the Amma in your hearts, can you press Her to end Ani’s suffering in health and Joy?  Can I now shamelessly beg you this favor?  Can you call the Ashram or send emails to Her?  Send letters, and heart calls?

I don’t know what Tapas can move You, O Lord, to end your silence, to end Anni’s pain, to bring the heart hope of Joy….

With all our love,  Kamala, Anni and Link