panic and no panic

May 11, 2007 Kamala Amma's Grace

Dearest Friends and Family,

Well, we got the blood test done. It showed Anni’s hemoglobin count to be 8.7. Here, when the hemoglobin comes down to 8.0, a blood transfusion is done. Link and I have the same blood type as Anni…will it be enough if needed, will we be allowed to give it? The test also showed some hyperactivity in the thyroid….In India, her hemoglobin was 9. At NIH, it was down to 8.6…it did not seem to be of great concern to the people there…its interesting….I guess when you deal with people with terrible diseases, you can be pretty casual about all these things…I remember a few weeks ago, I called the Dr.’s there, fearing that Anni was possibly dehydrated…and they asked if she was still urinating…so, I guess, its a different definition of dehydration, and acute circumstances….

In the last few days, Anni’s heart beat has become very strong at times, to the point where one can feel the vibrations sitting near her, as well as see her clothing moving. Small efforts, like coughing, bring on the pounding heart….at ‘rest’, it seems to be about 120 beats a minute….thats another thing- the coughing that has started. Since January, when she was incorrectly diagnosed as having pluerisy, it has been too painful for her to cough. Last week, she began to cough. We felt it could be a positive sign, given her inability to cough for so many months…but along with it all, came more and more pain….pain on coughing…pain in every way of sitting and lying down…and then the pounding heart…

So, today, we all entered a general state of uneasy panic regarding her heart beat…I mean, we are not seeing great and rapid improvements…. Shirley felt very uneasy about the heart beat, and the possibility of heart damage, or heart attack occuring….so, we are trying to contact doctors, who would be open to working with the Gerson approach, yet, have medical know-how and could tell us if there is cardiac problem happening…

Now our house is blessed with Rishikesh from Amritapuri and Anand and his mother Pankaj Sharma from LA. Rishi brought lots of mail for Anni from the Ashram, and we spent one delicious day, savoring each letter…there were very special prasads from Amma’s room, too…including a bottle of mostly used perfume that our Lord often wears…it was when we smelled That Smell, that our hearts rent open, and the longing, bravely supressed, flowed out…and Anni began crying to go home. For us, the Ashram has been and is our home…

At night, Anni took the bottle of perfume and slept with it under her pillow, to remind herself of the Precious One. 1/2 way through the night, she got furious with the perfume bottle for not being Amma, and cast it away…There is NO SOLACE but You, O Lord, NO COMFORT but You…what sort of bribery is this? Reminders and hints! We are unbribed, and ever hungry…someone should tell Her….

Rishi said that from reading this blog, some people may have the idea that Anni is in a dying state. But he said that seeing her, her tremendous strength of spirit, her cheerfulness, lovingness and joyousness and smiles, he was relieved to see her still radiating that sweetness and light.

While I have tried my best to truthfully portray the physical state she is in, as we are experiencing and seeing it, I have never felt that Anni is dying. We all see this as some absolutely bizarre experience that we are all having, the outcome of which will be her positive health by the grace of God, through all of you..
When we were at NIH, the Washington Cancer Institute and the Children’s National Medical Center, eg., during the month of March and part of April, I felt tremendous misery, tremendously uncertain….they could only show us a dark road to a short life and painful death…Now, despite all the ups and downs, the decline in her movements, the new heart stuff, we do not feel Anni will leave us at all…I know that Amma is in her, Amma has the capacity to smile out of her at any moment in shining health, and that my Outer Amma loves her, is concerned about her, and with That Concern, how can I take my own worrying seriously?

Yet, I find her pains unbearable, and now they are constant…Uncle Jeff if most often away, but calls quite frequently, several times a day, and himself cannot sleep well, being away from Anni…

It is a great blessing that at this time, we are all together, to be with Anni, to have a hand in her healing, to witness her sweetness, to remember at every moment what is important in life, and to live in that awareness. Her eyes are so beautiful, her smile is so radiant. All of you, who are praying positively for her, who are taking active steps to promote her healing, all of you are part of her healing….how can we not succeed? Our Lord has the softest of hearts. How can She not hear? There is nothing impossible for Her, how can Anni not be healed?

Perhaps it is that we all need the harsh reminder of what is important and real in life, what is worth cherishing and serving and loving and honoring. So therefore, our lesson time is long and protracted, because we are slow to learn and quick to forget….we should all realize how much pain people who walk awkwardly or cough miserably are in. Rishi noted how Anni is walking like our sweet Satyabhama in the Ashram. We should all realize how much terrible and deep pain our dear Satyabhama is constantly in.  Seeing Anni’s great discomfort, I do not know how Satybhama has been able to bear her discomforts for so many years.
Whenever I look at Anni, and I feel she is in some pain, I say, “Don’t you worry, buttercup”, and she looks at me with irritation and sharply retorts, “I’m not the one who is worried, its all of you!”

We have brave and pure lights before us.  We need only faith that they are there.

Please give us your blessings, that we grow in true understanding and wisdom, shed our indifference and serve Her truthfully in all.

Loving you all,

Kamala Anni and Link (KAL)

No Responses to “panic and no panic”

  • Aishwarya says:

    Om NAmah SHivaya
    dont worry brother, prayers never go waste..
    Anni is actually a living example..evn in Her tough times She smiles..we must all learn from Her..Amma is always there with us..
    May Amma bless All..
    Om NAmah Shivaya

  • nandini says:

    aum namahasivaya…..dont worry dear its we who are supposed give ani strength n confidence…i pray for her health to amma n am sure dat amma is takin care of her…….ask her to pray to amma…the way she misses amma n cries is the fore most sign that amma is caring n thinking of her…lets all pray for her together as amma says that united prayers are more powerful than individual prayers,i do trust in dat.ask ani to pray always to amma………..amma bless you aum namahasivaya

  • gabrielle says:

    you all are alive and near in my thoughts, prayers, …actions, i ve started an mosiak at my parents house, in thoughts of you darlings and us all living in ammas grace as her soul children- it portrais a fetus in the womb of the divine mother-all in light:)
    when i eat my meals i think and pray for the purity of your hearts and minds, and for mine and all other living creatures and breathers..
    i sing to the mother-goddesses in this world and in all others for annis enhancement of health, in the mornings and evenings i send you my loving light and sometimes i hear the echo of my schreaming when i wake up at night, schreaming of the pain of desilusion that i so ignorantly suppose we are parted.we lovers and beloved.creator and creations.
    amma and us, her children.
    oh kamala i love you dearly
    please give anni a warm kiss for me
    rest in divine faith in these stormy times
    love to you all
    gabrielle xxx

Add Comment Register

Leave a Reply

Powered by WordPress and HQ Premium Themes.