Silent Sufferings

March 23, 2007 Kamala Amma's Grace

I look in Anni’s beautiful eyes, and see a deep suffering and pain. She does not say much, but now requests her full dose of pain meds, and is acutely aware when the next dose is due. Seeing our concern, she smiles ever…although when alone with us she sometimes cries with the agony of bearing the pain… sometimes at nights we press her legs, arms, hot water bottle seems to help sometimes on the back…the headaches never go away, she is never free from terrible pain all over her body….she likes to be with people, with her brother, with those who come to love her, to know I am near…we can do nothing to help her really….

What tapas O lord, will you accept from me to make her whole? What can I do, O Lord? Do say… For me, my mantra is Anni, my Anni is the form of the Lord. You, O Lord, in Her…Anni is your name…what sacrifice can I make that you will hear and be pleased with? Isn’t there someway a mother’s heart can change anything? When will you awaken an d begin your dance to health in the body of precious Anni?
In the early afternoon, Sw. Br. Dayamrita came over with the coordinator for the DC area, a mother named Padmini…Sw. looked very serious….it was a short visit, but we were happy he took the time to come. We had thought to go to his program in DC, it would have been straining for Anni, and it is a youth retreat, not an evening progam. Padmini knows some devotees who are Dr.’s at the children’s hosp. one is a urologist…

The Doctors at NIH had their meeting. They are hopeful that Anni’s medical condition will qualify for a protocol study being done at the Children’s Hospital….they are making contacts and getting records and tissues…fortunately they don’t need anymore tissues. A world renown pathologist, Dr. Morino has done (and is not finished yet with) , many many tests on the samples from Anni’s body and body fluids. All they can say at this time, is while they are quite sure that it is cancer, and there is still some slight doubts, there are reactions in some tests that are like Renal Clear Cell Sarcoma, they are not sure what kind. Nonetheless, they feel, that making the most informed decision possible, they will probably seek to treat it as though it is RCC…they don’t yet know what to make of the abnormalities in the brain…suggested we come back regularly for scans…

O Lord, the Doctors don’t know what they are doing, although it is their best. Will you stand by? Anni has only wanted you, her whole life. She has never swerved even one iota from her precious babyhood…O lord, don’t you want her sweetest services? O Lord, you said, You are also Her Mother….how can you bear her sufferings so silently? Tell me what I can do!

Arun came back home to us today, it was Ajay who got in touch with Sw. Dayamrita…Ajay made delicious appams with potato stew for us all, Anni learned th e technique…Ajay is teaching himself all kinds of Indian cooking…necessity is the mother of invention…and all of us have a king called tongue…or at least an able minister… Debbie, our Chinese friend made Kanji, which is very popular in China as well, and gave us also printed evidence about what Amma had said in satsang a few weeks ago of the beneficial effects of Kanji….We are all lucky we get to taste Kanji….

Today her chest hurts more, back hurts more, head hurts more. O Lord of my Anni, I cannot say much more.
– Kamala