With Amma in San Ramon

June 10, 2007 Kamala Amma's Grace

Dearest Friends and Family,

A lot has happened since our first darshan with Amma.  After we returned back to the flat, Anni began sleeping, and slept pretty solidly, breaking it only to cough, spit, take a sip of lemon water, and have one bowl of my conception of the healing soup – we still don’t have the proper ingredients or the recipe.  She woke up nearly 15 hours later, at 10 AM, which meant, we had missed Amma coming to the morning program.  She was too weak to move much.  We reached the evening program at 7:20 PM, a few minutes before the Lord arrived.  Anni was positioned along the narrow human tunnel that Amma has to go through anywhere She walks in the world of devotees.  In the brief few minutes while we waited, I was approached by a member of the team of ashram lawyers, who wanted to know if we were carrying a medical directive in the case of Anni’s medical emergency at the ashram.  In fact, I was told we really should not attend the program or see Amma, with Anni so sick, as it was possible that the M.A. Center could be held liable if Anni collapsed or got sicker….

According to worldly wisdom, its legally sound advice, which covers the M.A. Center’s backside in the case of medical emergency.  In another view, it was a ridiculous and painful request, at a time where our hearts are so full of pain seeing Anni’s intense suffering…It also denies the Reality of Who Amma Is.  I know from seeing Her endless darshans in India, with all manner of totally sick people coming for her blessing, leaning on Her shoulder, and then the next person – and no one EVER gets sick from or at Her programs, that such a worry was ignorant of Who She Is.  But its OK.  The attorney was very obliging and pleasant and created a document which not only protects Anni from weird medical procedures, but also absolves the M.A. Center of any legal liability. Anni signed it with witnesses.  It just verified to me, again, and yet again, that in the eyes of Amma’s institutions, we will never be part of them, we will always be outsiders.  No matter how many years, no matter how much love.  Thankfully, we are part of Amma’s real ashram, which does not know institutional bondage.  I mention this awkward incident, as it verified to me again, that Amma, belonging to Amma, being part of Amma, dedicating one’s life to Amma, is not part of what is covered in institutional membership, and we should not allow ourselves to be deluded or hurt by institutional exclusiveness, although, it does sting at times.

When Amma came, She held Anni’s hands as She passed by, Her face reflecting pain.

By the grace of loving Ashram brothers and sisters, a sweet little spot was made for Anni to lie down on the balcony and watch Amma during satsang, bhajans and darshan.  She lay, her eyes glued to the Most Precious.  It was sort of like being in India in the early days of Anni’s illness.  Then we called it ‘the darbar’ meaning, the kings audience time…people came in a constant stream to offer their love and hands to help relieve Anni’s pain in anyway possible.  At one point, Lakshmi, Amma’s house companion came.  In an earlier entry, I had compared Anni’s pain and care to that of Amma after Her heavy darshans.  Lakshmi said that she had never seen Amma in as much pain as Anni is in….

We stayed till the end of the program, and Anni went for darshan – at that time, nearly 1AM  ( I think, I’m really not that sure of day or time anymore).  Anni took Ammas hand and put it under her shirt, so She could feel her pounding heart.  Amma told us not to come to the whole program, just to see Her once, then go, as Anni should be resting and away from people.  We looked at Her in full misery.  After all, we had come to San Ramon to see Her, be with Her Form, but what to do?  She knows best.  She then asked me why I give Anni coffee enemas.  Inwardly, I asked, how many should I be giving her?  Outwardly, I blurted out a defense of the Gerson Therapy, which later made me feel totally miserable…I mean, we get to be in Her presence for such a brief encounter, and none of the things that one wants to say or do, happen.  I know why I did, as we have all felt the subtle and not so subtle vibrations of many who feel I am crazy for not having Anni in some conventional medical experiment…it’s a criticism, on some level. When Amma said “Why…” to me, I felt She was being told all kinds of misconceptions about what we are doing, and I felt like I wanted to straighten out the record right then.  If it was a test, I’m sure I failed.  But what else is new?  I have to carry on with Her, despite my misconceptions.  The relationship with Her is the one with reality.

The next day, Thursday, we didn’t go out at all.  Anni was much too weak and exhausted to move.

On Friday, despite our plans to make it to the morning program, Anni was only able to get going around 2PM, at which point, she felt it was urgent to get to Amma as soon as possible.  Her hard pounding heart, the extreme pain and soreness in her whole chest (new pains which have superseded the back, kidney, legs, head, etc.) which are aggravated by every coughing episode, force her to stop and take rest from her actions every few seconds…When we got to the ashram,  she sat up in the wheelchair where she could see Amma for some time, then lay down in a corner until it was her turn for darshan.  Again, it was a darbar, with beloveds coming to give their love to her.  This time however, Anni was much more adamant to me that she did not want anyone to touch her.  Not even hands and feet.

Her darshan turn came right before our dear friend Jason’s.  This time, Anni had worn pants and a shirt so that Amma’s hand could touch her skin.  She took Amma’s hand and put it directly on her aching heart.  I saw Amma’s smile as she did so.  Amma said, “It is really hitting hard.”  She then began cautioning Anni to wear a dust mask, to not come to the programs, to not speak, to take rest, to not stand up alone, etc.  I went over the list of supplements that I have been giving her through the Gerson Therapy.  Amma said they were OK.  Later we explained that the Gerson doctor had dumped Anni as well.  All in all, our new instructions were to take great care and caution, as Anni is extremely weak.  Amma said She was afraid for Anni….There was one word we didn’t catch…..anyhow, we resigned ourselves to our fate, knowing our sick little one, cannot be so for much longer now that the Lord is here…In a way, its nice.  It is clean and peaceful where we are.  We are free here to concentrate on trying to relieve Anni…  We feel we are with Her, even though we are not there by Her side.  Now that we know Her eye is upon us, all must surely soon be well, and for the best of all.  Amma gave Anni three packets of ash to put on her chest. 

Today Anni’s heart beat has been in the 130’s range.  Several weeks ago she told me she was tired of panting like a wet dog.  Now it is so many days later…  We can’t imagine or fully understand the intense exhaustion that must come from having to breath like this and to have one’s heart pounding so hard for so long…
At the end of Anni’s darshan, Amma went to our friend Jason.  He had tears streaming down his sweet face.  Amma kept glancing at us, and particularly, Anni.  In a few moments She said that Jason was crying because he could not bear to see Anni so sick in the wheelchair…he remembers her gathering flowers for him to give Amma when she was a tiny girl…Amma was also crying…We were asked how many years we had been in Vallicavu ashram – 8.  Amma, we know a way to end Your sadness about Anni…its up to You…do with us as beseemeth Thee….….on the way home, Anni was unable to get out of the car for some time.  In that period, while she was resting up the energy to move, we found a purple plum tree right in front of the flat.  Today, Link went out and gathered some – dark  dark red, sweet and juicy…must be full of iron for Anni…

Its amazing what the experience of such terrible pain teaches you.  We cannot forget Anni’s pain, which is our own, for one second.  Everything else seems mundane in comparison, although we see that in people’s minds, which have not yet plumbed intense pain, those things seem relevant.  Like hair, or who said and did what…or what to eat, or politics, etc.

I remember our friend, the Venerable Palden Gyatso, a Tibetan monk who had been tortured for 35 years…such horrendous experiences, that keep ones nose to the deep smell of Reality for a long period have lasting, positive effects on the personality.  I just pray we never forget and keep on practicing all the lessons we are learning here: not to withhold our love from anyone, to keep our slates and scorecards with others thrown out…

This morning we sent Link to Amma to tell Her about the supplements, and find out when we can see Her. Amma said She is not a doctor to discuss the supplements.  Link told Her She is our doctor, our wealth, our All in All…She said not to allow any cancer chemical type experiments on Anni…(as was suggested to us from the National Institute of Health, the Washington Cancer Institute, and the Children’s National Medical Center) that another devotee had done that and nearly died, and finally went back to the medicine of the first doctor, and is now a functional human again… She said we could come for the last 30-45 minutes of Devi Bhava, which is sometime tomorrow morning…

Well, that’s sort of it.  Altogether, Amma has said a lot of different things about Anni.  That it is TB, that it is cancer, that it is karmic…doesn’t matter anymore what it is…only She can fix it…

Anyhow, lets keep praying.  I could see how affected She was by Jason’s prayer…must be so for all of us.  At this point, I believe the squeaking wheel gets the grease. 

Loving all of you, Kamala