Dearest Friends and Family,
Yesterday was Anni’s Release Day in 2007.
The day before, we were talking with the children’s Uncle Sudheer.
When we first came to the ashram, Amma’s baby brother, Sudheer and his beautiful wife Maneesha were god-sends to us. There was no school for the children to attend at their grade level, and their Aunty Maneesha began teaching them the NCERT ‘portions’ which are deemed “relevant education”. She had just had their first child, a baby boy, Amritanand, as well. They also arranged violin music lessons for the kids and Mohini Natyam (ancient Kerala style classical sacred dance) lessons for Anni. Their home has always been open to us, we could trust deeply in their love for Amma, so there was sureness and understanding between us. They became, really, our blood family. Around them we have always felt very safe and loved.
Of course, it was all great fun for us, we got a peak into Kerala homes and kitchens, saw infant care, and learned tons of things that one does through atmospheric, rather than bookish means. We learned that Amma’s family are heart people, they live in their hearts. We got to see the vows of non-possession, detachment in action, as their furnishings, food, supplies of all sorts, as well as time, rooms, facilities, even laundry facilities, were continually being used or taken out the door for this event or that event at all sorts of odd hours through numerous different angles by the Ashram. We learned a lot about Amma from their legacies of life with Her.
In those last days in the ashram before we went to the US, after the ‘terminal’ diagnosis, almost all, if not all, of the ashramites came to our room to see Anni.
I remember how after one long stream of visitors, when I had closed the door, Anni said to me, “I feel happy.” She loved all the loving and genuine meeting with community members that was taking place.
People who were dropping their masks, to show their hearts. It was all wonderfully healing. Its strange that love requires bravery, but it does. You can’t love if you are a coward, only if you are brave. Real bravery is to keep loving truthfully, not just a show of compassion and empathy. Amma and Anni are the bravest people I have ever met.
Two days ago, Uncle Sudheer told us that when he took Anni’s hand to say goodbye at that time, with the crowds around her, she squeezed his hand really, really, hard and long but said nothing.
She Knew. My Baby Knew.
Only we couldn’t know. Even to the last second, we couldn’t know, and then, it was clear as day, that Anni had not died, she had just left that aching body. How could that be death? She was released, from the experience of the body, and we were stuck here to learn more before we can be released. As Gandhi noted, ‘Birth and Death are not two different states, but rather two aspects of the same state.”
When we stayed at Mahima’s in Dubai, on the way to the US, when Anni was alone with Mahima, she told her she would not be coming back from the US.
She Knew.
Sometimes I wonder if people will ever recognize who Anni is, what she is. This is a world of shadows, wherein we eat and breathe, and never give thought to the great essential of our existence. Her leaving forced Link and I into the direction of certitude, for she can never die. Its a good direction, and actually, the only real direction. And she is with us, in following the trail she blazed for us.
On June 6th, a just two weeks ago, our Mama Janice also passed on. She is in the photo album with her daughter Suzanne. Her last words to her daughter were, “I can never die! I’ll never die!” Such is the war-cry of a spiritual lion, a Queen! Mama Janice also lived a life of great Awareness and utter certitude. She brought and brings great solace and inspiration to our lives. These are the only real things.
I found this quote from Amma:
“The wise ones are aware of the inevitability of death and try to transcend it. While living `in life’ a wise person acquires the mental and spiritual strength to live also ‘in death’ or to live in eternity, beyond death. He dies to his ego. Once one dies to the ego, there is no person, and thus there is no one to die. Such people are so full with life that they do not know death.” - Holy Mother Amma in AC 4:270-271
In our room interview this year, Holy Mother Amma said that in the future, Anni’s life will be known as a Life of Light. Let it be so, from Now.
We were so privileged to live with her, to experience her Love, to be her own. Looking around us, we still see no one with that degree of purity, kindness, gentleness, bravery, strength of will to be brave in the face of denial of Love and Truth….to be true to conscience no matter what…she wasn’t dumb about anything, her qualities came from brilliance, not ineptitude, which kindness and goodness is often categorized in…and the miles of maturity. She had control over her speech. She never chatted aimlessly. We always felt she was older than us.
Her leaving made it very clear to Link and I, that we were left here, because we had more to learn. She had finished with the school. And this learning, is nothing about what all people seem to think is important – degrees, social positions, accolades of some sort or another. None of that is at all relevant. Our learning lies in un-learning all of that, and concentrating on all the virtues that help us to listen and support the voice of the heart within us and all that helps us to be true to it. Thats all, for that is the Abiding One, within us. Anni’s message to us was so simple. In that simplicity is all the Truth, Love, and freedom, contentment, as well as power that anyone could want.
I passed a friend this morning, I hadn’t seen in some days in the lift, and asked, where is your daughter?
“She is studying in L____”
“What is she studying?”
“Ph.D.”
“That’s nice, but what is she studying?”
“Ph.D! Ph.D!”
“Great! Wonderful! But what subject?”
“Vedantic Philosophy.”
So many ways this world of shadows dances before our eyes, both entrancing and scaring us. We have to do something, while we try to learn our lessons, which can’t come from anything outside. We have to find someway to give our Life the Space inside us, to unfold….so we do all kinds of things, and keep ourselves ever so busy, until we finally decide to start to listen to the Ever Abiding One. Then, the busy-ness takes on a different feel – its no longer ‘busy out there’ but becomes ‘busy in here’ with the Abiding One. Thou the Sufficing, Thou the healing, Thou the Abiding, O Thou, Abiding One! ( thats from the long healing prayer in the Bahai Prayer book.) It becomes a sort of experiencing-busy.
At least, this is the understanding we have gained from our Anni and Amma…from the experience….
and all this helps in the certitude…in the certainty.
The certainty, is, I think, everything that is Real and meaningful.
Yesterday, I was debating, ’should I keep silence, seclusion for the day, withdraw and release the pain a little’ - sort of musing to myself about it. Then, in the morning itself, in our usual way of working together on music, Anni helped us figure out a song. Even the tune is there. We had started it before, but it never came fully. Here it is. The first phrase is from a sentence by Malalai Joya, a fearless woman in Afghanistan, who lives in utter certainty.
You can cut the flower, but you cannot stop the spring
There’s a fearless tide, that starting to rise,
inside us all
We will wash the Earth, of selfishness and greed
And sing our song, Yeah, we’ll sing our song, Again
We won’t bash the Earth,by cre-ating Trash
And we won’t have war, we won’t allow war anymore
No more war, we said, NO MORE WAR
You hear? We said, No More War, anymore
The springtime of Her love, is covering this Earth
thawing our frozen hearts
And we’ll sing our Song, That we are One! In Her Love
And we’ll sing our Song
That we are One, in Her Love!
In Her Love! In Her Love! In Her Love! In Her Love!
Yeah, We’ll sing our Song, that we are One, again.
Loving you,
Aunty Kamala, Anni and Link
Leave a Reply