posted by Kamala on Aug 11
Dearest Friends and Family,
Om Namah Shivaya. We are back in Amritapuri. Initially, we planned to stay at the home of some dear, dear friends. Adjust back into the community here gradually, for the ashram is a large community of people – about 5000, in a very small space. We feared that the grieving would be overwhelming. And it is. I haven’t slept well since she passed, and type this now between 3:30 – 6:00 AM.
Our plane landed in Kochi on the 4th. We got in at a bright and early seven AM.
After meeting other devotees, also with their beloved’s ashes, we sallied out into the intense humidity and heat, to find that there was a strike or ‘hartal’ going on, some vehicles were damaged due to violence on the roads. The city of Kochi had seen some violence and the ashram was reluctant to send the taxi on the road for fear of property damage. Airport personnel would not let us back into the air conditioned luxury of the terminal, and we had to stay outside. Early on in the day, we ordered a prepaid taxi, but the driver was afraid to take us to the nearest ashram port of AIMS – the Amrita Institute of Medical Sciences due to recent reports of violence along the way. We then waited at the airport for the next 12 hours, in the rising temperatures. There was little to eat or drink besides strong tea and water and deep fried foods, which Link and I eschewed…we did have some egg curry and chapatti, but it felt like fossil fuel in the stomach.… Exhaustion was there, our clothes were sticky.
The police were irritable and unwilling to accommodate questions or deviations from the ‘norm’ in anyway. For example, the few chairs under the shady eave of the airport were occupied. We then sat on the stone staircase, feeling some heat relief on contact with the cool granite slabs, careful to leave ample room for stair traffic. We were unceremoniously directed back to the chairs, in a way that indicated we were riff-raff. Of course, its good to know that you can and will be treated like this, without pause or reflection by those who have authority. We did not appear to be important people, and the police saw no need to be on any sort of ceremony with us. Our common human-hood was not enough. It was dryly humorous to me. As Amma has often said, she tries to show us the nature of the world here.
We finally got to the ashram the following day at 3AM. The bus had brought us into the ashram itself, and we were unable to get to our friend’s home with our baggage. They themselves were at AIMS, dealing with health issues. We decided to spend the day, unpack, and go later. Previously, I thought it would be unbearable to be in our flat. But it isn’t. It is probably the only place on earth now, where we have spent a lot of time in loving communion together. It has that vibe, and it is somewhat comforting to us. At the same time, it is just another place. It’s strange to be here. There is an unnatural amount of empty space in our 12’ x 14’ room without Anni’s form. At dawn, we lay down and woke up at 3PM. Soon, caring ashram sisters began arriving, and we were essentially unable to either unpack or go to our friend’s home. This has been the situation since then. Now Amma has come back. There does not appear to be any time whatsoever to even finish the unpacking properly.
Since Anni passed, there are changes in us that we notice. We feel we – Link, Anni and I, are and will always be One Soul. That 1/3 of us is in the state that Anni is in, is inconceivable to us. It is a nightmare, that doesn’t end, that gets worse as time goes by, as it is not ending. Another thing we see, is that for Link and I now, there are only two places – two countries in existence – the place of name and form, what we call life on earth, and the place of no name or form, where Anni is. I used to feel India was very different from the rest of the planet, and, in some ways it is - there is an awareness of this truth of the two places here that I perceive shining out of the eyes of many people…whereas, in other parts of this place, I do not see that awareness. For Link and I now, it doesn’t matter where we are, or where we go, its all in the same place, really. Have I conveyed this clearly at all?
From this point, of there being only two real places, what goes on here is just a show of experiencing. We watch people’s involvement with the unreality of this place, and it’s a real wonder. For example, the lack of physical modesty in the west and among the rising “new India” used to irk me to some extent, I didn’t want the children getting into it. But, now, it seems irrelevant to me, its all part of the identification with name and form, its all quite unreal, no matter what extent one embraces it. However, that said, I still do not want to see the children get more enmeshed with the unreal. Link is turned off by individuals demonstrating a strong sense of body consciousness, particularly by evidence of pampering and preening of the body for display…but, for me, its as unreal as the whole place, however, no point encouraging more ignorance…
So. We haven’t been able to really get out of the ashram. Even to get foods that are soothing to our health and stomach. Even to send this, check email, and re-establish phones. A slow and steady stream of consoling visitors is there. Finally, day 2, I went downstairs, out into the community, as Amma was returning. I steeled my mind and heart as best I could. At the bottom of the lift, we found dearest Satyabhama. She wanted to know where Anni was. When Link told her that Anni was dead, she jumped back. She kept querying. Later, others told her that Anni was coming later. She again came back to Link, and I told him to tell her that Anni was dead, but she is in Satyabhama’s heart. This, she understood well, for she genuinely feels her there…and her questioning stopped. I clung onto Satyabhama physically, as we made our way towards Amma’s house. There was a dense packed crowd of people below her room. It was very hard. Groups of dear sad sisters kept surrounding us…my nose was running horribly, I had not tissue, and kept breaking away to wash my face…I strictly avoided those who had expressed great love for the children in their life together…to see them is to break open the vats of searing pain…
It’s very hard. We deeply appreciate all those hearts that love our precious Anni. With each one, we want to sit in our sacred love and loss and share our tears. But, whereas, for one person, it is one cry of their day, for us, it becomes, a never ending stream of touching that never ending pain…I find my mind sinks in it. It innervates and demobilizes us. It keeps us numb with the horror of it all.
Yesterday, we went down for meditation. I brought a book, and planned silence. But it was impossible, so many dear and caring, weeping people kept coming. As stated, it’s a large population in a very small space. The situation becomes very unnatural. We don’t have time or space to move on, within ourselves. On the other hand, if there was no acknowledgement of the greatest loss in our lives, it would be terrible also…
Because of the large population, ever the part-time sociologist, I began to notice a pattern in the types of consolations that come. As one person said to me, people don’t know what to say. Out of their love, they want to console, so they come from where they are. We recognize this truth, and at the same time, really, there can never be any consolation, so all attempts, unfortunately have differing states of unbearability. I mention these types, as I am certain, that there are universal human phenomenons regardless of culture or clime – a truism of this place of name and form, in the human responses to those who grieve. I have located several types, and offer these observations here, for discussion, as well as for those who want to comfort the grieving heart.
1. The worldless response. Just a look, or touch. A few words, most often, ‘I don’t know what to say to you”. Wordlessness is really, the most comforting. For great grief is beyond words. This response allows the grieving and the comfortor to acknowledge the pain together. Its from the platform of respect and acceptance of what both are experiencing. This is what we receive from the majority of people. All over the earth there is a silent majority of basic goodness and common sense. It allows both to see the truth in each other, so, in this sense, is genuine communication.
From here, it goes down hill.
2. The avoiders. Some of these are because of the shared acknowledgement of deep pain, and as such, becomes a kind of communication. But, if kept up too long, it becomes part of -
3. The ignorers. These are those whom one always saw, and knew and interacted with, but who never seemed to see the griever as a full person with the same heart as themselves…for this type, I try to reach out, and open the door, but with all the intense emotion going on, am at times too overwhelmed to make the effort. However, even stony hearts can intellectually know that this is an unfathomable loss for us, so, we do not want to lose the opportunity to try to connect heart to heart…
4. The advisors. They tell what to do, and why, the benefits and importance of following their advice. We have to listen, because, after all, it’s apparently the best attempt they can make to acknowledge the pain inside them regarding the loss, and that effort, at least deserves our respect.
5. The dream weavers. This type of response is at least somewhat entertaining. It is hard to know the actual reality of it though. However, it provides an avenue for the mind to feel hope and communication with Anni through other people’s purported experiences of and with her. Whether or not any of it is true or real, is unknown by me. But imagination flies in fancy…and it is out of love that these phenomenons are happening…
6. The philosophers – here, the Vedantins. Often times, now, I actually tell people, ‘Please, no Vedanta.” But, this is a place where all are hearing satsangs, being trained to give satsangs, studying scriptures, and I suppose even this blog, is some form of our own satsang of some sort, so we all have to be patient with one another…I find this, and the advisors, the most irritating, as both stances dis-allow genuine respectful acknowledgement of the basic equality of the soul in either the Vedantin or advisor and the one who they seek to console. When someone comes at us from this stance, we become unable to break through to more genuine communication with them, as they spew their view. Most often we just sit miserably through the experience, hoping at least they will feel our love and acceptance of them, and that later on, more communication will come…this approach to this response, often does work, and in future encounters, there are less words…
7. Here in the ashram, there is another type: The Amma watchers. They want to know about our relationship to Amma, what she said or not…That is their first question. We have, unfortunately, nothing to say here, either. I have always felt that the relationship one has with Amma is a very personal affair, not really up for public view or discussion. It supposed to be the relationship between the jivatman and the paramatman, isn’t it? How can one dress that in words, or paint the picture or it?
8. The nyah – nyahs. Individuals that actually feel and express to us, that we have gotten what we deserve, God is teaching us a great lesson in humility and acceptance, as we, particularly me, have demonstrated ‘rebelliousness’ by ever daring to question the structure and actions of the perceived authority figures in the larger group here. This thinking holds onto a punishing, revengeful god, whom they obviously feel to be in power here. We find this to be unrighteous and undharmic. But, unfortunately or fortunately, I am one of those dense types of people, who even while being insulted to my face, often do not catch what has happened until much later, when it is too late to have given a proper response that could somehow crack open that mind or heart into seeing that like themselves, I too, have a feeling heart, like themselves, I too, feel pain, and like themselves, I too, am part of their self…I love what my friend Sylvia wrote in her book, ( Dancing in the eye of Transformation, 10 steps to Creative Consciousness) a quote from Lord Buddha, “Believe nothing, you have read, or been told, even if I have said it, unless it appeals to your common sense and reason.” I feel there is much too little questioning going on all over the planet, institutional health is not possible without the freedom and respect to question decisions and directions things seem to be going in…
It has only been in the worldless one, where we close our mouths to each other and open the ears of our hearts, that we both can hear each other….and that to us, is God comforting God….Thankfully, that is the majority of consolations. The others, much smaller in number, however have shock value, and hint at wider unexpressed opinions. Increasingly, Link and I watch ourselves going through the limited experiences of the land of name and form…..we too, will leave this place and travel to another, suddenly, someday, sooner than later…its inevitable….nothing really to do here….no home is possible here….Home is where our Anni is…when we melt back into the reality of our One Soul….
About the Album: it’s a-comin’, Karthu is working on it, people are here, hopefully today some practical progress will be made…we are locating singers….
About cell phones: please be careful….they give off microwave radiation… Watch out for your noggins…many people are telling us of severe ear pain they feel from cell phone use…and there is the fact of the effect on bee hives…as tests in Europe are indicating… We have to face the reality that just because an invention is allowed, doesn’t mean it is healthy for us…no one in authority, none of our elected leaders, surely, really gives a damn about our health, and manufacturers only care about profits…so please be careful…maybe get those head set thingy’s or decide to only use email, or take cell phone fast days…or restrict the times you use it each day….they are very dangerous….there are studies which suggest early senility approaching people who are now teenagers using them…
Anyhow, much love to all your dear and caring hearts, we will try to get some photos up of darling Satyabhama and the mosaics that Anni made near Amma’s house, up….
Loving You from our one soul,
Kamala Aunty