A Tale of Grace

posted by Kamala on Apr 9

Amma will soon be in Amritapuri.  I hope the darshan hut is clean, the cloths are washed, that the mosaics are sponged clean, that the back garden is blooming in beauty for Her…Geez, I wonder if the upper curtains needed washing?  everything should be dust free at all times, in case She walks in.  There may come the day that She comes home to the ashram unexpectedly, and Her room will not be ready, and She will need to lie down on the cot in the darshan hut…I don’t know who to appeal to  make sure it is  so, and there is nothing we can do about it here…its not only for our beautiful Lord,  dear brothers and sisters,  it is for Her thousands of children who will have no other hope of  being  in Her personal space but crave to be so in their hearts…I brought the new hand fans here to work on their edgings but have not had a moment to do so…I hope the fans….anyhow, we have to let all our works go, isn’t it?  I have never known what I could do for Our Beloved.  To all She gave some task, for us, there was only silence….but, it seemed like there was alot to be done in the  house of the ashram  anyhow….It was always my dream to see the Amritapuri Post Office, painted nicely, and loved up.  To see a beautiful  picture of Her secured to the wall there, the small grounds around kept clean and clear of rocks so tha natural grasses there could grow.  It was always nice to see a small stretch of green grass…and the sign with Her Sacred Name! The entrance to the Ashram… The sign should be clean isn’t it? I can’t bear it when there are droppings on her name…. The ground underneath planted with indigenous flowering plants, that no one wants, and that the chickens don’t like to eat….there is some light green with a yellow flower that grows wild around there…Maybe the sign could be painted…We should  somehow plant the sides of the main entrance road with that cow grass…it would grow up nice and green and just on the sides….and would be a lovely entrance to our ashram home….
It must be that the ashram is in the joyous fever of Her return, I cannot get these thoughts out of my mind.  We really have to figure something out for the juicestall garbage…maybe moving the whole stall to the side by the flats?I never knew who to speak to about these things….  so many small dreams were always there in us for so many different little aspects of the ashram….I’m sure we all have them….

Anyhow, my Lord, I hope Your path will always be clean before You, that where Your beautiful eyes rest will see the reflected orderliness and loving care of  Your children’s minds, that wherever your hands touch will somehow kiss Your fingers…

Our sweet Anni has been doing better since Prayer and Fasting Day, April 2/07.  She is in a little less pain, and today, one full week later, her brain has cleared significantly from all  the morphine meds which she stopped taking then.  She got up, and actually ate on her own accord for the first time, 2 times today.  She says she will eat more in a moment….But, the weight loss from nearly 4 weeks of being too sedated and nauseous to eat is having its toll…The nodules in her lungs seem to be growing, and she has excruciating pain in her chest and back..  Her breathing is labored.  The last three days, Anni has not felt able to walk slowly down to her river log, and instead has opted for a nearby field where the ground is flat and causes less problem to her back to get there….Just now, she sits on the couch softly singing , for the first time in weeks, “Varalunna Hriydayatil” ….I remember how I could always hear her coming to the flats, singing sweetly,  enjoying the sound of the accoustics in the hallways….

The doctor called us today and said that after all this time and tests, some of which - for TB  will not be in for several more weeks, or months -  that this is one of those situations where the ‘diagnosis is not completely firm’.  We understand.  They don’t know what it is.  There is a plan to put Anni in a protocol for a cancer which is probably similar in some respects to what she has, but which is not what she has.  The bottom line is, they don’t know, they want to help, and close is the best they can offer, when, it may not be ‘close’ at all, for the Lord has asked 3 times now, Is it TB?

We feel this is all somehow, Her great blessing to us.  We have other options which make alot of common sense to me, to persue.  First of all, there is the liver issue.  Anni got hepatitis A ( we assumed) in May 2002.  The yellow never left her hands or feet, which are still bright yellow.  After we tried a Chinese liver/gallstone flush  last summer, we got the yellow tinge that had remained in her face out,  but not out of her hands and feet.  The tests at NIH have all shown her liver and even the kidney with the tumor to be functioning normally.  But, as her mother, I have always known  that the liver is not.  I have hoped against hope that time would change that,  what with youth, growth, etc., but it has not.  Additionally, due to the malfunctioning of her liver,  Anni has not been able to absorb the nutrients from the food.  Both were on the same  diet, Link was managing, Anni was not.  For years.  Her hair stopped growing a few years ago.  I remember, I cut off the last six inches which were touching the back of  her legs.  And the hair never grew back.  It became thinner.  when she became anaemic,  we  put her on iron tablets, and there was no improvement.  It was obvious to me that her body could not absorb the nutrients.  But I didn’t know what to do.  I made stern aggreements with the children to drink more milk.  I upped our milk purchace from 2 or 3 packets a day to 6 and 7.  We made curd,  I pushed milk.  In the flat, I bought godumba sooji,  cracked whole wheat, and pushed that.  We tried to eat raw tomatoes and cucumbers whenever possible.  Eggs.  But, while there were some small improvements, nothing stuck….

For me, one avenue we need to go down now, before the dark road that we are being ushered into, without a clear diagnosis,  is the avenue of intense nutritional build up and detoxifying her liver.  Her liver needs help, and then, I think it will be able to help clean up the blood that goes through it.  Did you know that all the blood in the body circulates through the liver every three minutes? If  her liver is not in tip top shape how can her blood be?  NIH tests showed her liver to be functioning normally.  But this is on a bell curve,  which still does not account for the yellow palms and feet, and lack of nutrient absorption.  It makes me realize that the word ‘functioning’ can have generous parameters.  T here are many different directions go in persuing nutritional build up and liver cleansing..   Because Anni is so depleted, so sick, I do not feel that I can adquately build her up at home,  with a juicer,  etc.  We need to be in an environment that is totally dedicated to building Anni up, and nothing else.

In researching all of this, we have learned many new things.  Did you know that in the United States it is against the law to treat cancer in any other way than through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy?  A law maker recently had to go outside the US to avail himself of  alternative therapies for his own cancer,,  and now, there is a thrust in’clinical research’ in many different methods of treating cancer.  The USA is actually about 75 years behind the rest of the world in preventive medicine and health care, now ranking about 37  among the nations in health care, the first rank, I think going to the netherlands….We saw a trial in Virginnia, documented on internet, where a 15 year old boy had to go to court in order to persue his health choices that were not radiation, chemo and operations.  The court found his parents to be in willfull neglect, gave custody of the boy to both the state and his parents, then, finally, common sense prevailed, and they allowed him to go back  out of the country to the clinic offering alternative methods to treat cancer.  For me, a sad part of this is a medical education which increasingly trains doctors  to see the body, the mind, pain, symptoms,  diet, all as relatively unrelated entities.  The development of big business out of the bodies of the helpless.  Big business for more and more drugs to keep an absolutely bizarre lifestyle that is separated from nature and from our very bodies going.  And education that backs it all up, teaching us not to think, not to be part of the natural world, or to use our own common sense….anyhow,  enough, we all know it, we can only stop it by cooperating with what we know is better,  trying to bring the humanity into it….I suppose…Only our Amma has the answers for this….I just pray that She is guiding our minds now…

So , we are  not waiting any longer, nor can we afford to.  Common sense tells me, that in the days that are passing, is our time for beginning healing.  We are looking into facilities that will assist us in building Anni’s body up with intense nurtition and liver cleansing.  We have written to Amma via Lakshmi and Gautam, and hope to hear her advice soon.  We have to do what we can do,, not sit passively by, trying to help Anni ‘manage her pain’, trying to push fat foods, to ‘bulk her up’ when she cannot digest them, and they sicken her further….we need to build her up and cleanse the liver intelligently….we need help, help that my own country does not allow to practice here.

I t is a great blessing that Anni is 18 years of age, and can take her own decisions in the medical world, and because she is legally an adult, people have to hear her wishes.  A few years before this time, would be a terrible circumstance for us.

Well, our lives are in a greater hand than our own, thank God, we have to keep vigillante, we have to keep trying…please continue your hearts sincerest prayers for Anni, for the light of truth and reason in our minds, for Her Grace upon us in every respect…. for those of you in the ashram,  please don’t forget us when the intensest of intense joys is upon you and with you all again,  please remember us to Her….Loving you, Kamala, Anni and Link

posted by Link on Apr 9

Dear Friends and Family,

Our Photo Albums are finally up!  Click here for more..

Anni & Co

posted by Kamala on Apr 4

Dearest Friends and Family,

We know you are all eager to hear about the Prayer and Fast day for Anni and the Heart of Humanity, April 2, 2007,  one full rotation of planet Earth. We are eager to hear how it was for each of you as well.

Here, on Sunday, April 1, Anni was under the additonal burden of pain killers. These pain killers do not stop or ‘manage’ pain, but they can take the cutting edge off of some of it. However, Anni has always noted that they don’t work at all on some of her worst pains. Last Thursday, after having consulatations with the Pain and Palliative team Doctors at NIH, Anni was put on a fentenil patch. I’m not sure of the spelling. Its this little envelope containing morphine that is taped against her skin for 72 hours, then changed. The narcotic gets into the fat layer of the body and is released that way into the blood stream… After Thursday, she became heavily sedated. To the point that she could not get up to eat or drink. When she did, she became overwhelmed with nausea. This is due to the effect of the narcotics. They make you totally nauseated, and they completely sedate the nomal internal movements in the body, like the bowel. To overcome these side effects of nausea, lack of appetite and constipation, other drugs are given. In a very real sense, the measures to control the pain become a great burden on the organism. As it is, Anni is very sensitive to all these things, which are targeted to a ‘normal’ or average research findings.

By Saturday, Anni was struggling to stay awake to eat and drink. When she did, she felt nauseous. Twice on Saturday, morning and night, She vomited.   We also attended the Washington-D.C. Amma satsang,  which was very nice, but Anni was quite weak, unable to eat, and we left early.  People were very supportive and loving.  On Sunday, having not passed her bowels, she took a drug called lactulose solution around 2PM. By 5pm her bowels were passing. We changed the patch as instructed, and she began to profusely vomit for all of Sunday night, and until 10:30 AM of our Prayer and Fasting Day, April 2. The Pain Team called in the early morning, and said to take off the patch. Thankfully, I learned about a children’s anti nausea medicine, which a friend brought from the store, and we administed that to her. Thus, by 10:30, the nausea stopped, and Anni began slowly to drink. She took one more of the hydro-morphone pills, and it sedated her. She then decided not to take any more of the narcotics. Since then, she has improved greatly in eating, drinking, passing bowels, etc. She is more alert, and can communicate to us what is happening. She still takes the other medications for nausea, and ibuprofen for the bone pain.

As a result of this aspect of April 2, we are looking into other methods to deal with the pain. Before I discuss that, I wanted to tell you about the spiritual aspect of April 2. Of course, we cannot discuss everything. The ways of the heart are too deep and mysterious to clothe in words, but, I must say some things.

You won’t believe it, but on Sunday night itself, here, which would have been Monday early morning in India, I literally saw flashes of light coming through the walls into the room. I saw the flashes going on continually outside the room through the window. It was like multiple and continuous camera flashes. Now, I’m not a person, who ’sees’ these things. I prefer to think I am more practical and down to earth. But there it was. I knew it was because of the prayers going on in India for Anni. Nonetheless, I didn’t have much time to concentrate on it, due to the vomitting and pain that Anni was experiencing.

Monday, we got a call from our friends in Pune, who told us that a man had come to them and said that if I, the mother, would offer prayers to Anni at a Christian Church one mile from my home, it would help. We looked on google , and found a Lutheran Church near by. In the evening, around dusk time, Link and I went, with Uncle Jeff, as Anni was too tired from all the vomitting, and had just begun to keep liquids down.

Amazingly, the whole Church was open. We went in, and thankfully, saw no one, but were able to walk right into the sanctuary - where people sing bhajans, pray and listen to satsangs - and no one else was there either. Sometimes, it is hard to talk with people. I don’t like hearing myself say, ‘My daughter has an advanced state of cancer”. How can She get better if I keep having to think that? It was a kind of blue-ish green-ish room, with blue curtains. There was a pit of sand near the entrance. I wrote OM and Anni in the sand. It took me a minute to find the cross. Link and I sat on the floor near the Cross, and Uncle Jeff took a chair. We pranaamed . A state of deep and intense concentration came over me. I felt like I was in the presence of several beings, Perhaps I should not say too much, but I remember, that Amma has always said, the Guru is greater than God.

I remember a story She told once: There was a time that Sage Narada was strolling about on the earth, checking out the happiness and concerns of the earth beings. In the course of his travels, he came accross a couple that longed to have children. They beseeched him to ask Lord Vishnu ito bless them with children. He agreed, and made a mental note of the situation, the couple, details, location, impressions, etc. He continued touring. Just as he was begining to feel deep pangs of seperation, and had decided to end his earth visit, he came accross another couple, who were also childless , and begged him to intercede with Vishnu on their behalf. He listened with wonder and sympathy, and added their plea to his collection of mental notes and left. Once he was happily esconsced at the Feet of the Lord, drunk with the bliss of looking at him and being saturated with his presence, the Lord asked him for his report. Narada began speaking, and when he got to the first childless couple, The Lord blinked. Narada smiled to himself, thinking of their impending joy. When he concluded his reports with the second childless couple, the Lord’s countenance took on a dark look, and He said, “Those people! No way. They will not have children in this life. They abused their children in their past life, messed up their minds, made their lives hell, beat them continually….they don’t get children this life.’ Narada heard it all serenely, and began to strum his tamboora and sing to the Lord. After a few years, the Lord said, ‘Narada, go, take a tour, see how the people are, I am hearing calls of sufferings.’ Again, Narada went down to earth. He came accross the first couple, who had small children crawling all over them, in a lovely family pattern, filled with love and joy. They thanked him for his intercession. Near the end of his tour he found the other couple, and seeing their house off in the field, braced himself for the bad news he had to tell them - No children, this life. As he got close to the house he saw three children frolicking about. He asked them who their parents were. From them, he understood they were the children of the luckless couple. He went up to the house in some steam, and asked, ‘how did you get children?’ The beaming and happy couple told him, A few months afther you left, a revered Saint passed this way, and gave us his blessing to have kids! And so…” “Narada went back to Lord Vishnu. As soon as he got the opportunity he asked, “My Lord, How come those people got kids when You said, No Way?” The Lord said, “how did they say they got them?| Narada said, “Their Guru blessed them.” “Ah,” replied the Lord, “I am powerless in the face of the will of My Saints.”

So, while I cannot really describe what seemed to be going on in the Church, I know that Amma is Our refuge. I remember once, in Chennai, outside Her room, I somehow saw Her, and ran and pranaamed at Her feet. She was talking to someone. Her mantle - half-sari shawl piece fell over my head. I had the most profound and comforting feeling of security, and knew what it must feel like being a little chick under a Mother Hen…Sigh. Those were our glory days with You, my Lord, to sweep and mop and ever think of Your feet, hands, eyes, nose, with Glad and Joyous hearts. Surely, Joy should have a place in this world, is it not? Surely, Joy can help to lift the darkness here….Surely joy has a role in bringing balance and dharma? Our greatest Joy has always been to be united in offering small services to You….Surely, You will be pleased to receive them again?

We learned of many people who fasted some of whom I was convinced were conplete atheists.  I know that everyones effort has made an impact on the ether it must have, otherwise we live in a stone universe, and that is not so…For me, Anni’s eyes look better,  the sedated look is gone.  The pain keeps her restless, as she is unable to be comfortable in any position….Today, Tuesday,  She has eaten almost normally:  a bowl of oatmeal, fresh squeezed carrot juice,  milk, a gatorade - which has electrolytes - a product called ‘boost’ which is high calorie and protein and nutrition drink,  a 1/2 veggie cheeze sandwich, etc.  If She can eat a little something more, and a little more after that, I will feel better…as I write this, she has just now gone to rest.  The pain was very bad last night, for some reason, it is really wicked bad around 3AM onwards in the mornings…and She had tried walking, massage, sleeping in the chair,  the floor, etc. So didn’t sleep much last night.

So, that was our Day of Prayer and Fasting, which for us, ended after Anni ate on April 3.  I don’t know if we are through it yet, but for certain, there was a headway.  I remember, at the Ashram, in all the Ayurveda treatments,  it starts with a Purge.  Well, Anni purged from Sunday till Monday morning,  and we are on a new leaf, as we strive to do without the heavey narcotics.  Link has noticed that she has more will power since the Prayer Day.

Tuesday night, Dr. Phil, a Naturopath and Chiropractor, whom we met at the Satsang came by with a friend, Lalita.  Phil had lost his wife to Cancer last November.  Both of them worked on Anni energetically, and aterwards, Anni was able to get up off the couch without assistance, and walk more normally.  They recommended Castor Oil, and Vitamin C Therapy which has been found very helpful in some cancers.  We did  the Castor Oil pack on Anni, which she found to help a little.  It is all Her Grace, as one door closes for us, another opens…  Anyhow,  lets not give up,  lets all keep trying.

For those who are internet familiar, there is a thread on orkut.com in the Amma/Mata Amritanadamayi Devi community  entitled:  Urgent prayers needed for saving life of Amma’s Child.  To access this, you have to have an orkut account.  Those are findable at www.orkut.com

Hopefully we will soon have a photo gallery up  on this site with photos of Anni.

Our hearts are One in Her,

Loving You all, Kamala, Anni  and Link